Expectations.

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Oh hello there! :)

Today was an okay day. I really enjoyed my psychology lesson. We were divided into groups and had to create a "lesson" for next week; we be the teachers. I had always hated group work, cz i used to be divided into the group where people just sit there and do nothing. Which is pretty frustrating and annoying, i would say. But surprisingly and FORTUNATELY, this time my teammates were really fun and we finished planning right on time. We had fun planning the lesson, doing powerpoint presentations and finding funny pictures. I really enjoyed that :)

But one thing that ruined my mood is that im gonna miss my Law lesson on friday because of my Photography exam urgh. It's like a controlled assessment, where you stay in the class for the whole 5 hours (9 till 3pm) and finish editing your photographs or whatever there is to do. But I DONT WANNA MISS MY LAW LESSON. we're on this most difficult topic ever and we're gonna learn one of the hardest part on that day. I went to ask my teacher whether we can go after we've finished, but she said no. we have to stay for the whole 5 hours omg. I mean, i'd rather do something productive than staying in the classroom and do nothing :( I might bring something there to do, just in case. Butttt. I DONT WANNA MISS THE LESSON T_____T why isnt the exam on Thursday? :( then i could skip Film Studies heeheehee. Really :((( Im gonna ask my teacher what i can do to catch up on the lesson. Sigh. Life just gets so complicated. Why cant it be more simple?

I have more to write but my bro needa use the comp SIGH. TOLD YA LIFE IS COMPLICATED.

"I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter." - Walt Disney

SO. I went to school today. Hahaha. I was still thinking whether to go or not in the morning when i woke up. Ended up going cz i feel like getting some work done. and the sun is so pretty omg. and warm. and bright. and warm (like, WARM.) *shedding a tear of joy*

I was worried that i was gonna be the only freak who goes to school just to do her work. but i was wrong! YAYY. my friend was there as well *cries happily*. she left her work in school so she went to school at 11 to finish it. I went there at 11.40am. Then we went to the large common room and did some work. she said she was gonna text me whether i'd be in school today, cz she thought that most likely i will to be in school. I dont know whether it's a good or bad thing (LOL), but at least i wasnt alone there :P it was good, i finished some of my work. at least better than nothing although it's less than the amount i aimed to finish today. and surprisingly there were a few of the student that were in school doing their work. So i wasnt a freak after all :B

I'm planning to do this till my exams finish. Next week, my bro will go to school at 10 on Saturday so i'm tagging along :) It's such motivation that pushes me to do my work or at least makes me wake up in the morning. I think my another friend is coming with me as well :D I dont know what time my brother will go home, so i'll most likely catch the bus or something. Cz at 2pm i'm gonna revise Law with Ms Flora yay!

It's now 2138. I really want to do my work :( but i've got no motivation ugh. I have loads of work to do! I cant wait for my History and Law mock exam results!

(so cute)

Btw it's 2216. I literally spent more than half an hour surfing the net. TOLD YOU I CANT WORK AT HOME. i can actually. but the laptop needs to get out of my sight. once i start using it, i wont stop.

Oh yeah i finished watching my drama T__T it's so sad to finish watching it. It's such a good drama <3 and i hate to see it end. But i needa finish watching it at once to stop myself from watching it when exam's so near.

Ugh I'm so sleepy. But i needa do some work. Sigh. Im going now. Bye!

Spring!

Has arrived :'D im so happy. yayyyyy at last. we dont have to wear double/triple layers of clothes anymore. heehee. And the sun's shining so so so brightly, that totally makes me happier.

Oh so we've started a new topic called the European Law today. Omg that was so confusing T_T i really needa focus on this. Mind you, exam's in four weeks' time. Sugar, man. I hate counting down too, but i just couldnt help it. Sorry to remind you about this :P So yeah. i told u we had this revision class ytd right? So yesterday i went to the common room to look for my friends who were also going to the Law revision class. Then they told me it's cancel :OOOOO because another teacher told them it's cancel as my Law teacher wasnt in school -.- and after wandering in the school for about 10-15 minutes, i went home. Pfft. I was so annoyed that time! No annoyed actually. But you know, opportunity to revise for that topic. Cz i wont have time to revise by myself. I need something to force me to revise. Cz at home, i'll end up watching the dramas and ended up having only a few hours to do my work. Okay back to the revision class. SOOOO. today in law lesson, when my friend couldnt answer a question (of the topic we were supposed to revise), he said we didnt even bothered to stay for the revision class. and everyone went O___O WHAT. a whole series of misunderstanding. UGH. he said he actually came back just for the revision session. And if i wandered in the school for another 15 minutes, i'd probably see him, and asked my friends, who stayed for Law but since there's no class they went to do their coursework instead, to un-cancel the revision session.

IM SO SCARED. exam's so soon. and everything squeezes into one single week. Law a day after History and Film Studies on the 15th May. To be honest, im not really gonna revise for FS exam :/ I need to focus on Law and Psychology (22nd May; two weeks after). I'm so tired :( Luckily Photography exam (controlled assessment) is on next Friday. After getting it over and done with, Im gonna ask my teacher (again) whether we can join the Law lesson (another class) instead of going for Photography lesson, cz after exam means we'll start A2 course? I told him once, but i think he's forgotten or something. I'll love to join the Law lesson. At least it's like some revision. I feel more secure and will panic less. haha. So my plan is this: Priority is Law and Psychology (hoping to get 90%+), and also History (cant wait for the results of my mock exam). The main three subjects. Im really hoping to get an A for Law and Psychology and at least a B for History. I hope those are achievable, but hopefully i'm gonna make them achievable. I want a B in History because I dont want to retake the Unit next year :( That would make my effort this year worthless. I actually feel sorry for myself for not really caring about FS :( I hope to get a B too. Cz A is too much to ask for. Just dont know why i feel so when im working hard to get A's in my other subjects. How patronising, i actually chose to study Film Studies.

Talking about Film Studies, we had a debate yesterday about the advantages and disadvantages of technology in films. So, my friend and I got the harder one- disadvantages. But my point is, the first thing i thought is not "Omg i cant talk in public, i dont want to do this, i dont want to talk". Instead, it was "omg we got the harder question, pfft." and i actually led the debate (for my team [there's only two of us anyway -.-]), and really debated with the preposition. It's not easy, but im pretty impressed by myself :D just that i got kind of annoyed when my classmates (all of them) kept picking on me because i said the wrong director's name. Saying once is funny, but when you keep saying it, it turns to be offensive. But oh well. It's yesterday's issue. Im back to normal today :) tho i still find it offensive -.- HAHA. Oh and i got my mock exam results. C+ in section A, A- in section B, and B+/A- in section C. Overall a B+/A- i think? It's alright actually. Im pretty satisfied with it. *shrugs*

My sister is going to school tmr. Im thinking of going as well actually. Cz why not finish some work in school? cz i know i'll walk around my house and not ending up doing the amount of work im supposed to. I have so much work to do, i dont even have time to revise T_T i might as well actually. ANYONE WANNA JOIN MEH? i know people are thinking im a freak or something. But i dont really care (how odd). EFFORT IS NEEDED TO SUCCEED. oh i dont even know what im saying hahaha. well, well, well. i have no time for "oh look, it's weekend. no one studies in the weekend". I used to have that perception, but not now. Not for Ashleigh Chai See Kee who is doing 5 AS subjects and must get A's in three (Law, Psych, Photography) of them and B's in two (History and Film Studies). Not to sound cocky, but honestly no chance for lowering my expectations :/ Im already sacrificing an extra year to do all these. I've got no time to waste. Life is getting so deep and complicated. Sigh, it's incomprehensible!

oh and today during the independent study time, i sat with the other Law teacher. she had a looked at my booklet to see how my teacher marks our hw. she went, "oh he gives you guys Levels (1-4) too. it will be easy to mark your homework, i'll just have to give L4 in every page." and i was like awwwwwwwwwwww.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HEY BTW. i got the internship :DDDDD yayyy. im not REALLY ecstatic about it but, still. look at the comments! :')))) Haha. It's such a great opportunity, isnt it? I mean, not many students get the teacher to organise these things for them. Most of us actually have to find internships ourselves. I hope it's gonna be smooth and steady. No more complications please!

My plan for tonight is: watch A Great Way to Care II ending, then bathe, then do whatever there is on my table.

Bye!

I dont know what to put for the title.

Im feeling so sleepy suddenly.

Oh i had my mock exam for History today :) half of the full exam actually. There's a 20-mark and 40-mark questions, and we just have to do the 40-mark one. It was alright. Like what i've expected. and we actually knew what the questions are about before the mock. haha. But i still got stuck and didnt know what to write. haha. luckily once i started writing the points popped up in my mind. and at the end, i didnt even know what i've written. HAHAHAHA. it's not as bad as i thought tho. it's my first attempt on essay question anyway. and Sir took the paper with him and is going to mark it. I'll just wait :) i'm having high expectations to be honest. im aiming for a C and above in this mock and B and above for the real exam. On the 22nd of May. One day before the Law exam. Im panicking. Today before the mock my friend told me what questions there would be, and she went, "dont work too hard." :') such a short phrase, but it's very heartwarming. i wonder how many people actually feel sorry for me. I mean, i dont feel sorry for myself really. This is my choice and i'd have to accept the consequences of my decisions. but it's nice to know that people still care :)

oh and my friend whatsapped me yesterday night just to say hello and "it's been long since we've talked". the conversation was soooo funny omg. u shud see my twitter, the pictures are there. i can see a few of my friends and i becoming amazing friends in the coming years. but dont worry dear friends in Msia, you're still here ;')

It was a good day actually. Oh you know. we've only got twelve pages of hw for law :'D there's just two pages to do and the rest is just highlighting. so it's pretty good news :DDD And we have law twilights tmr :) plus Ms Flora asks us whether we want her to help us in any of the topics, so i told her my friends and i are going to one of the time slots on a Saturday. It's just one hour tho. And we've picked 2-3pm. I just thought of going to school earlier to do my work. Like, around 11 or 12? cz my other friends are going there for the revision slots at 12pm. what a good idea, right. I know hehehe.

Oh and my FS teacher told me she's pleased with my mock (again, i know) :) im gonna know the results tmr i think. Expecting a B :)

I gtg go now! time to pack it in. I still have my drama tho. hehe. gonna watch one episode and then get working.

sometime, i think i work too hard.

IM A HAPPY KID :)

no particular reason.

just that it's warmer today, i didnt have to wear my big coat to school, we didnt have the first 2 lessons (i dont mind Psychology, but we didnt have homework :BB), the sun's shining pretty brightly, come to think of it i only had one lesson in school, my film studies lesson was not bad (although teacher was nearly in a bad mood because all of us didnt bring our hw in :P), i finished my Unit 4 notes during independent study time, i only have one unit left for the mock (5 more for the whole textbook actually, but it's alright), i had a good lunch and dinner, my mom made chinese dessert, and everyone looked happy in school!

Doubts.

Sometimes I wonder.

Am I pushing myself too far?

Am I picking up unnecessary burdens?

Will I be able to do this?

Will this be worthwhile?

I'm not supposed to be doing all these. 'Supposed' as in 'initially'. I don't know. Sigh.

And I mean History btw. I'm picking it up last minute and gonna sit for the exam next month/June (look, I don't even know the exam date pfft). I know I could do well in this. But it takes time. And lots of, lots of effort. I need some reassurance. I need someone to be by my side and say 'you can do it! i believe in you! *Hugs* (nah dont think it helps, but still).

I mean, where am I getting to through this? Over the past few days, I really enjoyed learning this whole new subject all by myself (although I just did two units -.-). But the feeling is gone today. Maybe I'll recover after I type this out.

Honestly I enjoyed learning this so much over the past few days that I feel a huge sense of satisfaction just by looking at the mind maps I've done. Maybe I'm having this 'lost' feeling because it's the last day of holidays. Not 'maybe'. It IS because it's the last day of holidays.

And I have this thought: I'm not meant to be doing this. I'm meant to enjoy my last few days of holidays. And do my Film Studies work (another major issue UGH). And I'm meant to be watching the dramas I've downloaded (now you see where this is getting to). And why on earth am I burying myself in a pile of work? Sigh. I'm so behind my study timetable. I planned to finish learning History by the end of this holidays because I know that I won't have tim to finish all these after the holidays. But I've only done 2 topics (out of 9 T_T) and I'm gonna have a mock for 5 topics that on Wednesday. And I have FS work not done. Which means no time to chill today. At all. I know I'm stressing myself out. I clearly know that. Just that I think I can do it. Nevertheless it's just or these two months! AND IT'S GONNA BE OVER. trust me. I can do it.

Just let me rant. I'm always like this on the last day of holidays. Feeling down and emo and sad and annoyed.

I wanna watch the drama series T_T and chill out in my bed. And I'm so sad because I'm halfway through the drama, which means it's gonna come to an end. It's such an awesome drama I don't want it to end T_______T

Okay time to pack it in. I'm feeling much better :) at least the weather's good today. It's pretty warm and there's sunshine. A tiny bit of motivation. And it's already 2pm T_T I'm gonna work my arse off today man. How sad pathetic emotional heart-wrenching whateveryoucanthinkof.

Kay bye.

Devastating.

It's saddening to see this happens. I thought you guys will live happily ever after.

But no matter what, stay strong. Both of you.

Ill.

Im ill :( diarrhoea and vomits omg. what's happening to me? UK is not suitable for me, i needa go back to Msia asap. Like seriously.

Okay im seriously sick of being sick. This is really getting in my way. Ugh so frustrated.

So I started revising for History today. I havent got a clue about what im supposed to do. Sigh. I know Im supposed to make mindmaps, but how? and about what? Idk how to narrow down everything :/ It's okay i'll figure it out. Sigh. I actually planned to finish the whole textbook within this week. But i was ill so i couldnt be on par with my schedule (the study timetable i did). But then i thought, why must i finish the whole book? I can leave some to the weekend, although i'd have so much things to do that time. and im gonna have a mock exam on wednesday! Im quite excited really. Cz it's like, the main point is not to aim to get as high a grade as possible (although that IS my whole aim), it's to see what i know at the moment. And try to improve and improve and improve towards the real exam (omg).

Exams are around the corner, im so scared! I dont feel as confident as i was in the first exam. I think it's because i have two more exams, which means four altogether and im not sure i'll get the grades i want.

i hope everything will be alright. it just went so wrong these two weeks.

Oh actually my whole point (not really) of writing this post is to say how much im looking forward to going to school. Idk why I wanna go to school. Actually i do. It's because in school, i just have to stick to the timetable and dont have to plan what to do at home after i wake up everyday. At least something will be done in school. I worked too hard at home, sometimes i just feel like giving up. Plus it's so boring at home, having your siblings yell at you for no reason.

i really need to get on with my History work!!! im basically teaching and learning all by myself. I wonder what grade i can get! and thank God it's not as boring as the History we used to learn in Msia. Im really grateful. It's, in fact, quite interesting :)

That's all i wanna say bye.

Passive.

I'm ill. Im felling dizzy. I have a runny nose. I cant stop sneezing. I'm killing the trees because Im using too much tissue. My stomach keeps making random sound. Im having period. My back aches. I have no appetite. i keep shivering. I think Im having constipation. I have so much work to do. Second week of holidays is approaching without me realising. Exam in less than 2 months' time. I havent revised. My friend wants me to go out with her but i dont have the time. i want to go shopping but i dont have the time. I need to do my work but im so lazy and tired. My phone's battery is drained. The new book im reading does not really intrigue me at the moment. My cousins are coming over next week which means I'll have less time to do my work. I need to be ahead of my study timetable. I wonder how I'm gonna finish learning the whole History textbook in five days. Im gonna have a mock on 5 topics on Wednesday. My brother is making so much noise. My neighbour was making so much noise. It's still so cold. There's no sunshine today. I was not motivated at all today. I woke up this morning to my mom having bad mood. My butt hurts. No one updates their blog nor twitter. Everyone is probably asleep. Facebook is so boring.

I dont know what I should do now.