I have two mock exams tomorrow. Was pretty stressed out about it until just now.

I suddenly thought, hey Ashleigh, it's just a mock! So what if you get a bad grade? Worst case scenario: retake them.

Exactly.

A day off!

We had a day off school today.

How lucky! hahah. I've been moaning about wanting a break yesterday and now I had one. I really do feel that God actually listens to me. Really grateful for that.

It was because of a major burst pipe that made us receive a message this morning. I still rmb how my mom burst into my room. I was like wth is going on hhahaa. But she showed me the message and i saw my friends were talking about it in Whatsapp too. I was replying them and everything i said didnt make sense hahaha. So funny.

But we've got school tmr, and I have a mock sigh. I planned to do my work during my free time in school today but we didnt have to go. I was pretty worried that I wont get my work done. But now thankfully I did do most of it. Left an essay to do. Oh actually, I still have some application thingy to do. Sigh too much work too little time. I cant even.. ugh.

It felt like a Saturday. I went to the cash and carry with my mom, and went to Asda. That Indian cashier was like, Oh you've got henna on your hand! I was like yeah i did it for the breast cancer charity :) Felt so multicultural although the Indian lady was quite stern based on the look she's given me.

I'm going to Warwick this Saturday! I'm really excited and yet nervous. I wonder how it will be like being on your own. Maybe it's gonna be like how I first started A level in school last year. Cant wait to meet (hopefully nice) new people. I asked my teacher about my transport and he said I can bring someone with me! Probably for health and safety reason but that's very nice of him! So I dont have to go alone hehehe. AND he's paying for our tickets! But the thing is, until now I still havent got the ticket, the office lady is supposed to sort it out for me. And he's going for a business trip with his A level business class tmr. So i think i'll just pay for myself and my friend. It's just £5 anyway. haha.

So yeah. We still have to go to school tmr. I hope it wont turn out as depressing as I thought.

I dont know why... but the more opportunities I get outside of school, the more I feel like I want to make this dream happen.

I want to achieve this- not only treating this as a dream, but make it a reality.

Three marks again!

Loool :'D

Seriously. It's always that three marks! I'm saying the assessment I've just got back today <3 I got 42/50! It's an A! I was three marks off A* man! But I'm still happy :) Ms was giving us this lecture before she handed those papers out and I was like.. sugar, did we do that bad? Luckily I got the grade I wanted :)

I think my life is getting more 'normal'. I'm quite used to the hectic life now. We've got no choice, you see. As the saying goes, 压力是自己给自己的。So, learn to endure, and that's it! Sounds easy, doesnt it.

Oh today, I asked my teacher about my target grade for Geography, and he goes "A. because you cant get A* in AS". I was like, okay. Then I went to my Geography teacher and told him, "Sir, apparently my target grade is A. I dont think I can achieve it." I was pretty brave that time lol. But then he told me that he thinks I can achieve it, or maybe see it as a challenge and motivation. Even if I get a B, it's still a great achievement since I'm learning it from scratch. Quite true, actually. I think I'm having unrealistic/risky target grades but I should just ignore them, 'cause.. you know, there's nothing else I can do about it other than working my "socks" off. hahaha. I realise that it's actually worth speaking to the teachers about any concerns about studies. Cz i suppose they know our progress in school best and tell us if there's anything wrong (if they do care about us). Well, I'm glad that most of my teachers do care about us.

I really hope I do get what I deserve.

Gloomy.

Suddenly feel quite sentimental.

I suddenly thought of everyone in Malaysia. How are you guys doing? I hope you are all well and happy.
It's pretty unbelievable how we are at different sides of the world.

I miss my school. My teachers, my friends, my seniors, and even some of my juniors. The clubs and societies, where I never regret staying after school just to have fun with my friends. Life has been so different.

I miss my family.

我真的，真的，好想念你们。
你们最近好吗？

I just realised!

Last year, for the first assessment in Law, I was 3 marks off a B and this year, I got 3 marks off an A! How coincidence!

Oh btw, I've got into the Pathways to Law programme! I got the email this morning. It said I should be proud for being a strong candidate cz there were limited places. But then I was wondering is it because no one applies for it. haha. But anyways. I actually cant wait for it and am quite excited! I get to go into Warwick University, which I might apply to next year, and it's actually one of the leading universities in the UK.

And tbh, Im really, really lucky! Apparently I'm one of the 400 students who got chosen across the country. Yes, across the country. How awesome if that!

But then on the other hand Im scared of meeting new people and all the hard work. It's gonna increase my work definitely. But I hope I can go through it! I guess it's time to be independent. Cz my mom is not going there with me nor bringing me there. Means I have to either catch the train myself, or ask my teachers for transport but it will be pretty awkward. I'll talk to my teacher about it on Thursday :) It's good good! Maybe I can learn how to be independent. It will definitely be daunting at first. But I can do it!

I hope that it wont be too much for me. I need to concentrate on other things as well, so yeah.

Oh hello there!

:)

I always love Tuesday. Because usually I wont do any work and I always make sure I've done all those work which are due on Wednesdays.

Geography was really good today! Haha. Cz i got 11/12 for my mock :') and I'm one of the highest in lesson! Then Sir went to tell the one next to me that he "should be able to do the questions since he was paired up with a genius". We had seating plan today. haha. That was really nice of him! and then after lesson he told me that he cant believe that I havent done Geography before.

That really made my day!

And I got my Assessment back for law. it was out of 50 and I've got 35 or something I think. I got a B anyway :) That was alright for the first attempt tho! That's how I feel. Am really grateful already although an A will be great. They're resitting the assessment and im thinking whether i should do it again.. okay maybe not. I will retake those where I get C grades. Yup! Oh, and Mrs W told me my target grade. It's an A*! Mixed feelings really. Firstly, I'm happy that my teachers have so much faith in me and think that I am capable of that! :') However secondly, I'm afraid I'll let my teachers down. But anyways I'll work hard towards that goal! :D

Oh btw I had this homework back for Psychology, I got 5/8 LOLLL. I'm definitely redoing that essay man. Haha. So embarrassing.

Okay so that's basically it! Just feel like telling you my progress in school :) Oh we had progress phase one. We only got numbers. Last year we got comments. I got 5 (excellent) in all subjects except for one 4 (good) for attitude in learning in Geography. Ms said I should voice out more in lessons, which i definitely agree! :) I thought Im gonna get lower scores for Geo you know :'D

A good start isnt it!

Sometimes when I feel extremely worthless, they never fail to remind me that I am actually someone special.

Well,

i'm supposed to start writing my personal statement xD

but you know, when it's 'supposed to', it never happens. I'm gonna do it today. Definitely. Maybe not finish, but start.

Oh, I'm writing my personal statement when I'm not even applying to Unis because my law teacher has kindly shown me a law programme run by the Sutton Trust which will take place in Warwick University. She told me that I should apply for it. It's some programme designed for students from a less-privileged area (although idk how it applies to me). The deadline is on Monday o__o and i've got to complete the application form by that time. But then I've got so much things to do. That's why I've got to finish it by today (hopefully but dont think it will happen) or tomorrow, send it to my law teachers to proofread and wait for their reply and send it off latest on Sunday night. I need 1500 words for that :( Idek how to start -__-

Good thing is, I can edit this and use it again when I apply to universities next year. I hope I'm admitted to the programme :( Firstly, it will give me so much experience and 'opens' my eyes into universities life. We get to go to this residential workshops in Warwick.

I'm really grateful to have such teachers :') it's like, they dont even have to do all these. Maybe it's good for the school, but she helps me to email this and that.. idk. Just grateful. I actually still remember the first day I met her :'D i was doing the stupid mock exams which were not even marked. And she came into the class and used the computer haha.

Oh and today my Geography teachers showed us our progress phase. It's the assessment of our learning in lessons and independent learning. I was expecting pretty low grading but it was actually good :') And my work got read out by my teacher. although it's really embarrassing, it actually showed that my hardwork is noticed. I feel really intimidated in the class. Cz it's like everyone knows their stuff from GCSE Geography and then there's me wondering what on earth they are talking about. But then now I think I'm learning in the classes so I feel a tiny bit more confident. Well, maybe Geography isn't that bad at all :) ... although I'm still getting used to the way they teach. But let's focus on the positive side! wait no. it sudden strikes me that we actually have a mock next week. pfft.

And History was pretty good. There's just me in the class. So I can ask whatever I want there. I feel like chatting with my teacher sometimes but it feels weird cz im studying on my own and imagine that I suddenly ask her a random question. Haha. Well I did ask her once. I asked her if she had free time when I wasnt meant to be in her class and she said yeah, but doesnt mind that cz I'm not too much hardwork. awww. she's so sweet. She marked my first essay and I've got 27/30 :DDDD Since it's homework and I was allowed to use my notes, I should actually get full marks but ... it's still good! :D I really hope need to make sure that I get high marks in this unit because I've only got 86- borderline A- last unit so I need high marks to secure my A overall. And A in A2 History to get A overall in A levels. Hardwork man, hardwork. But that's life, isnt it?

I wanted to talk about my Law class but I wanna do that last. Heh.

My Psychology class is alright now :) I think it's just the need of some time to get used to the new class and time (it's in the afternoon now :( ). I have a few funny people in the class, although they do get a bit too much sometimes. Tbh it hasnt changed much. I mean, in terms of.. I dont always talk to other people in my original psychology lessons anyway. So that makes no difference practically. I used to think that one of my psychology teachers is quite cool. As in, pretty strict. But she's not actually. I chatted for a while with her yesterday, and she smiles a lot. Idk how to explain that but maybe it's the 'in and out of lesson' thing.

Here it is. I really love my Law class :'))))))) I cant repeat this enough. Haha. My closest friend in school was there with me. There were some changes to the people in my class. I used to not like it but I find it okay now. I like how my law teacher makes fun of his cousin (the funniest guy in class), the two guys from another school who used to be so 'into their own world' become more friendly and actually talk to us, the new guy who always start a debate with my friend, one of our friends from another group joined us, my law teachers' sarcasm (although sometimes it doesnt sound sarcastic [that's the funny part] ), i get along with the people there, my law teachers are always concerned about my studies, the way my law teacher looked when my close friend and I hugged each other for not seeing each other for the whole day (IT'S REALLY FUNNY), and lots more (actually I cant think of anymore but trust me, THERE IS MORE.) !

I think my passion for school has come back.

I really wanna take a minute to thank God for everything I have.

Pathetic.

Dont feel like sleeping early recently.

I just realised that I've got no life other than school. Tbh, I dont even know what I'm supposed to do with my life sometimes.  It's like, the only thing I can focus on is my studies.

I think I HAVE to focus on my studies. I've got no time to waste. Im turning 19 next year already.

I cant wait to leave school. I know I've been saying that I love school very much. It is still true. I still do love it. But it's just that, sometimes, you know that you've got to leave for good. I'm kind of tired of having so much to care about.

I think I'll enjoy next year more. I know I keep saying this but hopefully it's gonna be better. Firstly, I might only have to do 2 A2's next year. I think they're trying to make me pick up one more subject but that's a no from me. Im pretty determined. I dont want more burdens in me.

Too bad my friends, well most of them, are leaving this year. Not that im really really close with them, but they're the ones I hang out with most of the time.

Idk, I just wanna go to university now. I think im sick of what im doing now. My life is just about studies. Pathetic, isnt it? Ive always been thinking that am I doing this wrong? Maybe I should enjoy life a little more. But when I enjoy life, I'll flop in my exams. So I dont wanna risk that.

At the moment, , no matter how pathetic or boring it sounds, im gonna study my arse odmff and focus on my goal: get into a good university with good grades. Then only, I believe, I can truly enjoy myself. I wanna make sure that I am treasuring those moments where I can still make a change.

Dream.

I'm still waiting for the day when people approach me not to ask for my homework.

Lost and found.

Idk what's with the title, but i thought it sounds cool and i didnt have a title. so yeah. hee.

SOOOOO. IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG DRAGGY WEEK. i dont even feel like it's only been 7 days. more like 198210478924652 days. Honestly.

I can't really be bothered with my school now. It's not that I dont wanna work hard or anything. It's just.. A2 plus AS life is getting a bit out of control.

I was dreading for school this week. I feel sad, cs I love school so much that I want to go there every day. I think it's wrong perceptions. I think I didn't really know what I was thinking. I think I didnt miss school. I just miss my friends, the interactions with them and the interactions with the teachers. Oh and of course law lessons :P

Somehow, I dont really like my Psychology class anymore. Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the teachers. I feel like my connection, which used to be there, is slowly disappearing out of thin air. The lessons seem too draggy at times. One of my teachers is really cool and I dont think she likes us much. I mean, you have to let us feel welcomed in your class in order for us to focus. Now it's like.. a workshop. Basically, you just listen, and go home. I was thinking is it because of my friends? But then it shouldnt be, cs even in my original class last year, I only talked to Marcia.

And I used to dread going to Geography class, mainly because I feel like I dont know anything about it. Come to think of it, as long as I am willing to learn and pay attention, everything should be alright although it takes a lot of time getting used to it. Surprisingly, Geography today made my moody day a lot better. We re-do this assessment and I think I did quite well. Maybe it's just that I dont know the way to answer the exam ques at first. Oh btw, for the first assessment I've got 2/6. I was quite sad you know. But at least I know what Im doing now :) Also I think it's because I cant get used to the way the teacher teaches. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. today, i left my phone at the common room and asked her if I can get it. She's like, "No, you'll have to get it after lesson." and then i pleaded that I need to get my phone or else people will take it. She was like "what folder is it?" and i went No. My phone. "What subject is it for?" And I said, phone. Mobile phone. I wanted to cry so bad you know. HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO HEAR FOLDER INSTEAD OF PHONE? My pronunciation isnt that bad, is it? I was so annoyed. After that she realised OH, PHONE, and told me to get it quickly. And I was like ... okay. Imagine if she didnt let me go get it, I think I'll just storm out of the class. Actually no. I dont really know what I'll do. Im changing my phone next week anyway :P BUT STILL. MY PHONE MAN.

After that it went quite well. Cs after 1 hour, it's another teacher's lesson. I like the lesson more. It's about rivers. I found out that I like learning rivers. And I like how the teacher keeps asking me question to make me understand more. He knew that I've never done Geo before. Compared to him, the other teacher doesnt really care about me. It's like I wanna learn those key terms for my exams as well, but she only discussed with other students about it when checking the paper. She didnt even comment on mine. I feel as if she doesnt even bother making me improve so that I learn better. He had my homework in today, and he said mine was a good answer yay! Great achievement. But tbh it took me so long to do that question, after all those researches. hahaha. And I think I've told you about the residential trip. If I havent, I'm going to a trip over a weekend to do some measuring river work. It's about learning geographical skills. I was pretty reluctant to go actually. Because I dont know anyone there. But then I found out that the new Year 12s are actually really nice, and it may be a good breakaway whilst getting closer to the nature! :) Well, minus the amount of work we'll need to do there, and minus the amount of hw from other subjects that piles up over the weekend. It's gonna be hectic, man. And we're going there at 3pm on Friday, when I have law :(((((((( that's the saddest thing of all.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I was late to school today. "Officially" the first day Im late. It was marked on my register LOLL for the first time. Over the past few years, even though Im late, I'll say something like I was by my locker or it was because my teacher wasnt there yet. But today, I cant be bothered to put up with these stuff already. So when my teacher asked me "Where were you, See Kay?" I went, "Oh I was late Ms." That's it. But then after that I felt quite dumb HAHA. oh well. Cant be bothered anymore. I used to care so much about not getting "late" in my register etc. But now, it just didnt matter. It's sad how I dont really care so much anymore. Sometimes I think it's a good thing, sometimes I think it's bad. I think I am that kind of people where people think that "oh she never gets late", "oh she never skives", "oh she does her hw as soon as she gets home". But the truth is, IM NOT AS PERFECT AS YOU SEEM.

Sometimes I feel that maybe, it's those wrong perceptions that are making me stressful. I think people expect too much of me. I remembered yesterday, I had my Psychology class (we're not allowed to have breaktime anymore T___T), and at 3pm I asked my teacher if I can "go to the toilet". So I went to the common room where all my friends are. And one of my teachers said "Aren't you supposed to be in lesson young lady, (and then I told her that I told my teacher that I wanna go to the toilet), it doesn't look like skiving is something you'd do". IM A NORMAL STUDENT YOU KNOW. I NEED A BREAK TOO. people think Im psycho. People think I can face the books and be in lesson for my whole life.

I feel like letting myself all out and just be the badass girl that no one expects I would be. I mean, I used to be like that in Malaysia. What's the big deal? But then again, I've changed. And I think some part of me would want this change to be sustained. True, no? But it's really hard to become the goodie-goodie girl everyone thought I am. Well, maybe I am. (HAHA, *smirks*)

Oh I forgot to mention. I had a mock exam (basically an end-of-unit test), a 50-mark question. I revised from 9.30pm till 1am yesterday. And my mom came into my room after she's finished her work asking me to not study till so late. (I've only seen this in dramas, I never knew it is gonna happen to me :'DD) And she said, it's just a mock exam. I was like. That's right. It's just a mock exam. I treated it like a real exam you know. I dont know.. I just feel that.. it's my first exam, and I dont wanna let my teacher down. I wanna show him that I can do this. I bet he expects me to get high marks anyway. And that is probably why i didnt wanna risk doing bad in the exam. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing the attention a teacher gives me. I think what Im feeling right now is that (i dont even know how to put it into words) I dont wanna make them feel as if they've expected the wrong thing from me. I wanna prove it that if they say I can do it, I can. I think this is getting a bit too complex. But then a good thing is, I've revised for this topic. So it should be alright to revisit it some time later and I'd still be able to understand it. A win-win situation! :) For the test, I wont say that it was a perfect answer, but I've revised, and I did what i could :D

I'm so glad that Geography and most importantly Law made my Friday so much better. (It's probably PMS you know -.- just realised haha). My favourite day is now Tuesday and Friday. But I like Friday more cs the Geography class is shorter :P

That's basically it! (I wanna write "I think I'm ready for the upcoming challenges!" but then I thought NAHH. I'll get into more troubles and feel more stressed lol)

Work experience.

Basically, I went there, and the solicitor who was in charge of this work experience thingy was't there. He went to the court.

So the receptionists asked me to have a seat before she could find something for me to do. I sat there for 30 mins, no one talked to me. And then I had stomach ache. How bad my day was.

After that the receptionist asked me to go upstairs to look for another solicitor and see if she needed me to do anything. I went upstairs, she was on the phone so I awkwardly stood outside for a couple of minutes. Another lady came out and asked me if I needed anything. I told her that I need to ask the solicitor whether she needed my help. She was on the phone, laughing so hard (i assume she wasnt doing her work). The lady told me that she didnt think the solicitor needed my help as she was on the phone. She looked around, and grabbed a legal textbook for me to research (ie make notes) on one of the issue. I was like, okay. And then when i went back downstairs, one of the receptionists went upstairs (i assume that she went to talk to the lady who 'gave some work for me to do'). When she came down, she whispered to another receptionist saying something like, "she went upstairs and stood there ...cant she stay on hold for 1 second and talk to the girl". Well, that was pretty embarrassing. Sigh. But then, at least I know that the receptionists didnt like the solicitor HAHAHA. I assume that. Sounds like it anyway. And then after a few minutes one of them came in and gave me a guillotine and a stack of paper to cut. Idk whether they really need me to cut it or they just want me to do something, but at least I had fun cutting the paper. I heard they said something like "SO MUH BETTER THAN THE KNIFE" and "it's gonna be in the bin anyway" (idk if they mean "they're gonna throw it away anyway so it didnt really matter if I cut it or not" or "they're gonna throw the paper away anyway so it's better to cut it and reuse them") i'll take the second one, at least to make myself feel better -__- haha.

So after that I really did make notes, and before I leave (i left early, cant stand staying at such awkward environment LOL) I returned the textbook to the lady upstairs. And she actually photocopied my notes .___. felt so bad 'cause i didnt really put my effort in for the last few points. but then i did make serious notes in the beginning tho. haha. just surprised that she took my notes away.

I'm actually quite reluctant to go there again next Thursday. But then I told the lady I'll be there next week when I was returning the book. Well, I'll go one more time next week and see if the person who is in charge is there. Cause my friend who went there yesterday afternoon actually did something productive. Like filing the papers, holepunching, picking up the calls (im scared for this tho), and organising stuff. If not, it'll be my last day next Thursday. I dont wanna waste my time sitting in the empty office doing nothing. I could've done so much things in school if I didnt go there. Initially I thought I'm gonna actually DO something. Be it holepunching or anything. i didnt even touch a holepunch today. -.- NOT EVEN A PIECE OF DOCUMENT. I DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN TO A LAW FIRM TODAY. I DONT FEEL LIKE IT HAS OPENED MY EYES ABOUT THE LEGAL WORLD. ALL I DID WAS CUTTING PAPERS. I actually wasted 1h 30mins of my life.

Actually I can only go for a day. That proved that I have done some work experience. I dont think they expect students to have long-term work placements. I dont even know why I planned to do it till Oct (Yes, END of Oct). It's FIVE more Thursdays. You know what. After next week, I might not go for it anymore. I'll see how it goes and discuss with my friends. I can apply for other things like Citizens Advice Bureau and Witness Support etc anyway. And I've still got one more year. So.

... is one day of work experience enough? I think it should be if I apply for other things. BTW NEXT YEAR I MIGHT BE DOING LAW MENTORING! i think it'll help me even more than this work experience thing -____-

Well, I'll count that as "Work Experience" (CHECKED)!

Glad.

HEY GUYS!

It's been a while (isnt it?) :D

I went to the Selwyn College Open Day at Cambridge today! It was actually really good.

2 of my law teachers brought us (2 AS students and I) there. It was a really tiring morning, having to wake up at 8.30am and i've had a medicine which made me feel so sleepy.

The people there were really welcoming and friendly! I thought Cambridge people (no offence) are a bit too posh for me to fit in. But today, everyone was pretty nice. The admission tutor has said something that makes up my mind. He said, even if we dont get admitted to the Uni, there's no big deal cause we're still gonna be in a really good uni out there. Which makes sense, really. But if we dont try, we never know.

So yeah. No extra pressure (there is actually), I might apply to the Uni next year and just get the experience!

So many things were clarified today. GCSE doesnt really matter to them, so I dont have to worry about my GCSEs anymore :D the thing is, i dont even know how Im gonna get 90% in my Law and Psychology. Im afraid that all these predictions are wrong. What if Im not as bright as they thought I am? But whatever it is, im still gonna work hard this year!

And the law tutor was saying how we shouldnt pick subjects like Dance and Photography, then my teacher was like asking the tutor if it's alright to pick new AS's, in other words, doing 3 years. And the tutor said it shouldnt be a problem etc etc.

Despite the amount of walking we've done today, it was a good good day. And i didnt have to catch the bus home :'D i have a blister on my foot :( imagine i have to walk home after catching the bus. horrible horrible.

and yesterday, im supposed to go to Oxford for this Law Open Day but no one could take me there so i didnt go. Mrs Flora was supposed to bring me there but no one could substitute her lessons.

I've got so much work to do THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

im so tired :(

GOOD DAY YO!

It's been a good day!

:)

Law was really fun today! I love my law class now :D as always. haha. despite the fact that we have so much homework. but oh well. that should be fine.

and um, I had Geography too. I wont say I like it, but I think it's alright. Pretty scared that I wont get the grade I want tho :( And in fact I did enjoy learning about the environment! So it shouldnt be a problem I guess.

I have so much homework! I had some from Psychology (not a lot), some from Geography and lots (as usual :P) from Law.

And my aim is to finish most of them this weekend so I dont have to rush it next week.

I quite like my school now. Haha. At least it's not as annoying as I thought it would be in the first few days.

I'll survive!

!

Sorry for sounding pretty depressing yesterday in my last post. Haha.

I'm alright now! And guess what, today is actually so so much better than yesterday! I'm happy today, and it's been pretty much a good day!

So this morning, I was a few minutes late to my form and my form tutor didnt say anything. Then the Head of Year 12 aka my former History teacher came in and check on our uniforms. And he asked me if my History lesson yesterday was alright. It's really nice of him, he didnt really have to ask anything and just let it be. Tiny little things like that can actually make my day a whole lot better. At least I know that someone cares.

After break, it was Additionality. It's basically those critical thinking, asking ourselves "where do we wanna be" and "how can we achieve it" etc. I didnt wanna go through all that again since I've done them last year so I gather my courage (you cant imagine how difficult it is) and went to ask the Head of Post 16 whether I can do my own independent study (partly cz my friends are all having free time, i really dont wanna stay in the class and do nothing, and i have work to do). and amazingly, surprisingly, unexpectedly, HE LET ME! He told me I can do my own stuff rather than going for Additionality :'DDD I was so so so happy! My friends and I thought he was going to be really mean and wont let me do it. But then one of my friends told me it's worth asking. At least I'll know for sure if he didnt let me. So glad that I actually asked him. Now I have the whole morning free and only Psychology in the afternoon.

So in the afternoon I had Psychology. It was better than I thought! No friends? Alone in class? Stuffy room? Scrap all that. I CAN survive. It's because last year, I didnt have friends (only Marcia) in the class as well, and I DID survive. it's better actually. At least I can concentrate more! But there are a few noisy people on the class. Oh well. But then I think there'll be at least one or two in every class. And then I sat by the door and window so that I dont feel as dizzy compared to the place where it's right at the corner of the class. I think I finally get what the quote WHEN THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY means. Although I still feel dizzy, it's better than not doing anything.

I only have 1 History lesson a week. So I have frees in every morning except for Wednesday. But that's alright. Basically I have 3.5 subjects this year. Haha. Oh and I figured out. I think im gonna carry on with Geography. Trying my very best to keep on track with this. I really hope I can get at least a B this year. There you go, optimism!

I used to dislike Thursdays last year. Because it was Additionality, Photography and Film Studies (So artsy crafty haha). Yup. I think I'm loving Thursdays now.

Hmm, the thing is, I have my frees with quite a few of my friends. Not that it's a bad thing. But it will mean that I might not be able to concentrate on my work. Last year, there're only Marcia and I, and we really got on with our work. Pretty boring, eh. Haha.

So yeah. That's pretty much how good my day is. And it's quite warm today! And I wore my new coat to school! And... and... and THERE'S LAW TOMORROW YAYYYY! I'm not expecting anything, dont worry. I'm just happy when there is law. haha. One more thing! Three of my friends actually wanted to revise law together! We chatted about staying in school on a day per week after school reopens to revise for law and I thought they were kidding.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be a good year! No. I will make this year a good year!

傀儡。

Hello guys.

It's the first week of school (I nearly written holidays, oh god)! Im not very happy with my school timetable you know. I just have no idea why everything tends to go so wrong when I was expecting something better. I didnt expect much you know. I just wished that I'm in the same Psychology and Law class and am allowed to study Geography and History. Is that too much to ask for?

Well, it probably is. 'cause apparently Im stuck in the afternoon Psychology class which is really stuffy and I dont even know most of the people there. Maybe God just wants to make this year tough for me. And when I thought "it's okay, just stay in the class!", all my friends decide to move to the morning class (my original class). What the hell is wrong? I cant move 'cause it's either I do Geog or Psychology in the morning. Both the subjects clash. I was like, why cant you move Geog into the afternoon block? They have a History group in the afternoon. Why cant they put History and Psychology in the same block? Now Im doing Geography by my own in a class of kids and Psychology alone.

It's like back to square one. Back to the very original position where I've always had to be on my own. Why must they do this to me? It's like, where are all my friends when I need them? My friends (4 of them) can just easily move to other class without caring about me. And then there's another friend who doesnt wanna join my class even tho she's alone in the morning class. Of course, Im not forcing her to move to my class. It's just that, why do i have to always be alone? I have feelings too you know. They didnt even bother telling me they're changing class. Oh. They actually did. One of them told me happily "We're changing class!", and I said "WE?" She was like, I dont know about you, but I am! What's that for? You dont have to brag you know.

Most of them just talk to me whenever they want help. To be precise, MY homework. I'm really hating school now. It just feels so strange to be there. Everyone feels like a stranger. Even my Psychology teacher. I dont know how Im gonna go through this year.

And then there's Geography. I havent got a clue about the subject. I dont know whether I can cope. I dont know whether it's too much for me at the moment. I dont even know how to answer a 3-mark question. The kids there are so playful. I dont even feel like I've learned anything today. I might actually drop out of this if I still struggle in these few weeks' time. Who cares how many traditional subjects I have anyway. I'll just apply to whichever Unis there are.

I talked to the Post 16 adviser about changing my Psychology class. And I told her that the room is really stuffy and it makes me dizzy, I cant even concentrate. I was speaking out the truth though. And she went "that's a shame if this is the reason." What shame? A stuffy classroom with one tiny window. It's the school's problem. You can spend some money and open another window. Dont blame me if I dont get a good result this year.

I tried to be so optimistic and positive, but there's always something that kills it. Now I dont see the point of going to school anymore (only for Law). I feel like dropping out of school. I'm so sick of everything in school. It's like I dont have true friends. Everyone just comes and goes whenever they like.

Maybe all this will change. Maybe I will feel better once everything is back on track. I must stop expecting things from school already. Im expecting too much. They dont even care anyway. Just doing whatever they think is fine. They wont even think about the problems we voice out.

For once, I cant wait to leave school.

Rants.

That's why they say: never, ever, expect.

I expected school to be real fun. I expected that this year is gonna be so much more awesome than last year.

So today I went to school to sort out my timetable. At 3.15. When all my friends were there at 10.

So I went there, and I saw my teacher. He was surprised to see me there. I was surprised to see him being surprised to see me there. And I told him that i was being asked to go there at 3.15. He told me that it was the Year 12s who are supposed to go there at 3.15. I could see the following things already.

So he brought me HALFWAY to see another teacher for my timetable. And I ended up meeting the Head of Year 12 (my history teacher woots) and he told me my form. And YEAP. IM IN YEAR 12.

IM IN THE FREAKING YEAR 12 FOR THE THIRD FREAKING YEAR. Im so freaked out, really. How on earth is that possible? But anyways. It's because I'm doing one more year for 2 AS's. That's why they make me stay in Year 12. Year 13s would be applying to Unis so it's irrelevant for me. I understand that it's for my own good. But i was really upset.

I dont like meeting new young faces already. I;m so tired of seeing new younger people. Kids. Not to be offensive. But they're like 15 turning 16. Why must they keep changing the environment? Challenging my adaptability. It's exceeding the limit, nearly. And I've got to see them every single morning in form time. Luckily it's the same form tutor as the last year. She's really nice. And she loves me cz I always help her to run some errands. Haha. So that should be fine.

I was really upset this afternoon. But then I thought: It was like this as well last year. I didnt know everyone (apart from 4/5 girls). I didnt even speak in forms. So it wont really make a difference to me. So what for being upset about it? Maybe it's better, cz i can do my work during form time. I'll just feel a bit lonely, but that should be fine. I've made it through last year anyway!

I was upset because I cant be with my friends during form time when all of them are gonna be in the common room together while im in my Year 12 room. But then again, i realised that it's not form time that makes school fun. It's the lessons! I loved last year because of the lessons, especially Law. So form time wont affect much I guess :)

So I looked for the teacher who's got my timetable. Talked to her and kind of got my timetable sorted. Well, at least Geog is in there, which means I dont have to do Eng Lit yay! Although History is not there, I dont think it's a big problem cz I have to do only one Unit so I can look for the teacher and see when he's got free time so he can teach me. But they've moved my Psychology class :( I liked that class tho. But then I'm gonna be with my friends still. So it's fine. Just a lil' bit upsetting. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THEY HAVENT CHANGED MY LAW CLASS. I WAS SO HAPPY. GLAD. RELIEVED. GRATEFUL. i'm still in the same law class :'D with my law buddy Aishah. That's enough. She's the one who sits next to me in lessons anyway. Haha. But sadly my other friend got moved to another class. she's so funny tho! I wonder if our class will still be as funny without her :( oh well. I hope Law lessons are still gonna be fun! Cz Law lessons are what makes school fun!

Honestly I didnt realise until im writing this that it was the Law lessons that made school fun.

But then again, I shall stop expecting. I dont wanna have my hopes high expecting that Law lessons will be a loooot of fun. Dont wanna drag myself down again. I was expecting too much. I'll just let it be. But I'll try to have a open heart and make sure I enjoy this school year!

That's basically it. I wonder who has the same frees with me?

I'M SO READY FOR SCHOOOOOL! :'DDD

I'm so happy. Hahah. Because I'm gonna gonna go to school to get my timetable and meet my form tutor! I wonder if I still have the same form tutor and same form with the same friends! Hopefully! I hope that my timetable is good to. Please, at least better than my previous one. I'm gonna break down if it's as ugly as that one.

I've just realised that I have coincidently bought ONE jumper, ONE dress, ONE shirt, ONE blazer, ONE pair of shoes, ONE cardigan, ONE skirt and ONE pair of trousers. I'm so amazed by myself ahahaha.

Right. School starts on next coming Monday, I can't wait! I hope it's a good year, I'll hopefully make it a good year!

Can't believe it's 4 months till 2014. I don't like how time flies. I've noticed my mom and dad are growing older. I hope I can be successful and buy them a house to live. Haha. Such a big big dream.

I feel like I've wasted my whole summer :( I've done nothing productive. My mom should take a break from her work. We should go somewhere relaxing one day. Maybe next year. We're hoping that we'll go back to Malaysia!

I haven't done my personal statement T___T idek how to start it. Sigh.

Okay enough said. I'm gonna go, bye!

My IBS has got worse :(

Had constipation and diarrhoea on the same day. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!!

Hello guys!

Summer is ending in 2 weeks' time. I have no idea why I start to count down. Haha. It's involuntary, you know. :B

I'm so worried about my health. These days I keep getting dizziness (feeling light-headed) and having shortness of breath and my heart keeps pounding. It sucks. I really wonder why. Gonna see the doctor sometime this week.

Maybe it's because of being restless during the holidays. Haha. I think I'm a workaholic, or maybe schoolaholic. I don't feel well being at home for the whole 7 weeks.

I'm going to Stamford for a picnic with my cousins and aunt. Really hope I'm okay that time!

I'm actually really freaking out :(

Moody.

I mean the weather. The weather is so ugly right now, it makes me feel like lying in my bed doing nothing for the rest of my life.

Haha.

I suddenly feel like painting. But then I'm too lazy to go to another room to get my canvas and paint :(

I'm pretty proud of myself, I managed to finish almost half of my law booklet yesterday :D I think I will (must) manage to finish it off before school starts :D

Cant wait for school! I know I will regret saying this once school reopens. But still, i'm rotting at home.

My family wants to go to Cardiff on the 3rd and come back on the 4th :( But then school asks us to go back to register and get our timetables on the 4th. I wanna go to school and get my timetable :( I'm actually quite excited to see my new timetable because my previous one was a mess. It was so ugly that I wanted to cry when i got it. Haha. Seriously. But then.. I have a feeling that this one would be quite a mess too :S *fingers crossed, hope it wont be!* I hope I'm in the same class with the same people I wanna be with. Actually, no. I'll just be on my own if no one is there.

Sigh. Why is my life so complicated? Idk whether I can go to school the next day on the 5th to get it. What if my teacher nags me -___- I wanna go to school and meet my friends :( I actually miss some of them, you know. Haha.

I wonder when people will stop asking me

"have you done your work, Ashleigh?"

(didnt realise it turns out to rhyme)

oh what a talent I have. haha

but yeah, it's a sad story.

Slap me.

Nope, the plan yesterday about "doing my work after taking shower" didnt work out.

I think I should stop making false promises to myself -.-

Got so sick of being so damn motivational but didnt end up doing anything.

Full stop.

okayyyyy. so 2 1/2 weeks left for school and i still havent done my law work (and i'm already talking about writing up my notes?)

Im freaking out now ahahaha. Really needa pack it in. No more "one page of work per day".

Luckily Im feeling really motivated today! So I'm gonna do my work later after I have my shower.

I must make sure this feeling doesnt disappear as soon as I've finished taking my shower!

Time to get some work done!!

Dunno why.

Just feel like updating my blog every now and then :) which is basically everyday.

Haha.

IM SO GLAD THAT HOLS ARE ENDING IN TWO (actually three) WEEKS' TIME. it's ending next, next Sunday. Woots.

I've bought myself (my mom bought me, really) a long sleeve jumper (really love it, but Im planning to wear it for Christmas which I doubt I can follow) and a sleeveless jumper! I love both of them! and previously I've bought 2 shirts, a plain black cotton skirt (from the primary school dept HAHAHA), a dress and a cotton blazer. All this is actually school-shopping. I really cant wait for school :) everyone is gonna (hopefully) look proper smart! Now I have to buy myself a pair of shoes. Too much hassle finding a right pair of shoes!

Hmm, I've started my Law work, and I just found out that when I do my work, I stop thinking about things. Which feels quite nice, really. I just have to focus on one thing. And I plan to write out the notes that I've been jotting literally EVERYWHERE in my folder and compile them :) I can imagine the outcome already OMGOSH. heeee. I find myself weird yet am grateful to get excited about doing work. Haha. But come to think of it, I have 3 weeks left to finish the work. I THINK I HAVE TO PACK IT IN AND GET SERIOUS. hahaha.

oh well. my life is so dry i need more friends. my social circle is literally like this -> O . This tiny. I wonder why. why. whY. wHY. WHY. WHY. WHY.

It's a good question, isn't it?

SIGH.

Just had my haircut! So glad it didnt go wrong.

I like it :D it's much shorter (although it's not obvious [well, it is for me :B] ). Thank God the hairdresser knew exactly how I want it to be, after me telling her, of course. So yeap. Save a lot of shampoo and hair conditioner xD not bad. And it feels so much lighter and less "burden".

I realised (a long time ago) that I get paranoid so easily. It's like, it's just one tiny matter, but I can branch out thousands over complicated things out of that. Often serious things. I hope I can change this habit someday.

THREE MORE WEEKS. cant wait for school to reopen! Kinda miss it, like I have previously said in my posts. Im literally a useless person right now :(

Done a page of work yesterday :B I know, I'm not supposed to sound this proud. Hahaha.

My brother is getting his results next Thursday. Im going to school with him, yay! I just love the environment of my school. It's like, I dont have to think about anything else apart from studying. Unlike at home, I always dont feel like studying and ended up thinking too much.

And then on 4th Sept I'm going to school again to get my timetable for next year (CANT WAIT!) I'm actually really excited for the coming year. Just hope everything will go smoothly! I've done 1 Unit of History so I've only got another Unit left. And my teacher told me that I might be doing Geog during that Unit and then study Geog on other times where I'm free IF any Geog teacher is free. Sounds fun, eh?

Gonna really persevere these three weeks!

Rot.

I'm literally "rotting" at home. My brain cells are committing suicide one by one each day.

I miss school. Hahaha. How odd it sounds. 3 more weeks, oh God. Im struggling to survive.

But really, I miss learning things and knowing that the teachers are always there for you and all the crazy friends (some, actually) who can make your day a lil' brighter. I miss occupying myself in school. At least more than half of my day is spent in school unlike during the holidays (NOW), i'm basically a useless person at home. Time is dreading to pass. I have no idea why.

I think 7 weeks of holidays are too much. Well, maybe (certainly) it wont be too much if I'm in Malaysia. Maybe (Most likely) it's because I had so many friends to hang out with in my previous school. And I got to go back to my hometown in Ipoh. Oh and we actually still had tuition (extra revision sessions outside of school hours) although we had no school, which meant that I would still be seeing the some same faces (kind of grateful, really) in tuition classes. I hate how I'm using past tense for this paragraph.

But anyways. I'm so sick of being at home. Not in that way. It's just that I'm so lifeless at home T_____T (DESPITE HAVING HW NOT DONE :P )

I know people will hate me for moaning but I prefer school days with frequent holidays because I feel more stressful during the holidays than being in school. Staying at home makes me feel so empty and not contented. It leaves me with more time to think about endless things which are probably not necessary. I think my temper is worse when Im at home. I feel very relaxed and happy in school although we have to learn new things everyday. How irony.

Maybe it's because my home doesnt really feel like a home to me.

Just realised that this sounded really depressing .__.

Nah, it isnt really that depressing (haha ... maybe it is). I think it's just that I feel really lonely at home. Maybe I should visit my friend someday next week.

Good thing is, I'm going shopping tmr. Hopefully I'll get something. I should reward myself sometimes.

I'm hungry.

I'm supposed to start my law work (felt so motivated ytd and this afternoon but the "feel" disappeared -___-) but I'm slacking now.

I NEED TO START MY LAW WORK. maybe I'll feel fine doing that :D

Realisation.

I've just realised how dumb i looked yesterday.

Gosh.

I must've looked like an idiot for crying over my results in front of my Law and Psychology teachers even though I've got A's overall for both the subjects. I think only my Law teacher understand why I cried. Others were (I think) like what is she crying for?

What the hell man. What was I thinking. They shouldn't have disclosed our Unit 2 marks you know -.- Then I wouldn't have cried. Ahahaha. Im such a dumbass.

Come to think of it, one/two of my friends were like, what? you're crying because you got a B, like seriously? (jokingly)

But then again, I'm really disappointed that I've got a B in Law Unit 2. I tried and revised so hard for it. I thought I've revised better than the previous exam, you know.

What really surprises me is my History result. I cant really believe what I've got. I cant stress this enough. Why is it so ironic that I walked out of the exam hall with a thought that Im gonna fail the History exam but got an A instead? Why is it so ironic that I walked out of the exam hall with a thought that the Law exam went on smoothly but got a B instead?

It's funny how I dont have to re-study my History Unit 1 again despite learning it only for 2 months. Proud of myself, really! :)

Although I might look like a clown yesterday for crying over my B in Law Unit 2, I'm still grateful for having my teachers as my teachers :') They are really really helpful and willing to put me in my best position. At least they were quite concerned when I cried. Haha.

cant wait for school!

holiday has been boring and draggy :(

Maybe.

Maybe I'm being too harsh to myself.

I've got my results today!

Law - 175/200 - A Overall
Psychology - 178/200 - A Overall
Film Studies - 153/200 - B Overall
Photography - 166/200 - A Overall

But the thing is, I got 59/80 in Unit 2 for Law. it was pretty disappointing to see that. I actually expected an A. 5 marks off the A. Luckily I've done quite well in my previous Unit which eventually adds up to the 175 marks I've got overall. I actually cried, you know. I was holding my feelings back when I saw the mark but then when my Law teacher asked me if I'm alright, .. it was kinda embarrassing. Hahaha. I didnt understand why I cried too. I got an A overall, what else am I expecting? It's like Paper 1 + Paper 2 = the grade. What's important is the grade. Just dont look at the break-down of the marks for each Unit and it'll be fine. I think I will feel better if you just combine both Unit and give me the score. Dont bother giving me the mark for each unit. You get what im saying?

I'm such an idiot.

My law teachers and psychology teacher were telling me that I did really well, and I shouldnt be disappointed with my results. That makes me cry even more. And my mom was there LOLLL. it just didnt feel nice seeing a not-so-good result for my favourite subject. but well, the only thing I can do is to accept! Im sad because I feel like I've let my law teachers down. The more they say I've done really well, the more I feel guilty. And when my law teacher talked to me, our head teacher is there hahaha. I dont really understand what he was saying but I think he's trying to make a joke or something so I laughed.

But then! Another shocking thing is that I've got 86/100 (A) for my History Unit 2. It actually feels funny, you know. After the exam i was like, shoot I'm gonna fail. Honestly. And look at this. Totally the other way round with Law. I wish I'm that talented in Law.

My teacher were telling me to not be disappointed or sad because my result is really good. She might get the script back and see what is wrong with my answer. It might be as simple as not answering the ques. It might be because I was so well-prepared that my answer didnt come out as I wanted. Sigh, I dont even have the "face" to talk to her about going to Oxbridge anymore.

Over the past few days I didnt feel anything about getting my results. So different compared to last time. I was so so nervous that time. I think the more I panic/nervous I am, the better the results I'm gonna get. Sounds logical to me.

But come to think of it, hey at least I've got As! and an A for History when I thought i'd fail! Which means I'll only have to do one Unit next year :) I'm actually looking forward to next school year!

Look at the positive side! What's done is done! Cant do anything anymore anyway (<-woots look at that)

现在只能够学会接受。

对不起，可能令你们失望了。

im stuck i dont even know what to put as the title.

but the point of me writing this post is.. IT'S RESULTS DAY TMR! 10.30am.

nah not really. it's not really the point. somehow im quite calm about it. it's like.. it's there right at the corner of my mind. quite afraid to trigger it. who knows what will happen. i was thinking about law psychology law psychology law psychology. until today i realised that.. I STILL HAVE HISTORY FILM STUDIES AND PHOTOGRAPHY. HAHAHAHAHA. the feeling is quite funny. it's feels as if they dont really exist to me -.- but they essentially do.

really there's no any purpose for me to write this post.

i just feel like it since it's been a few days.

im pretty grateful to have cousins who are like siblings to me. I went to Cardiff yesterday. my cousins are so funny i can literally laugh at every single thing they said. i wish i have a brother. im sure he wont bully me. haha.

three more weeks and it's school time!

summer has gone, you know. it's quite chilly these days. and it will continue to be chilly.. cold.. and then LET'S SAY HI TO WINTER! the weather makes my lungs hurt. i can barely breathe. but dont worry. i'll survive!

btw, three more weeks of hol left and i havent even started my law work and the 5000 essay. HAHAHA. i dont think i can finish the essay this month. maybe i'll finish (not start!) it when school starts. law work omg. (cry face) i cant believe i havent started that.

 人之所以痛苦，不是因為世事無常，而是因為錯，以為事物可以永恆。

-肥野三毫子理论

The best drama series ever.

Seriously. It's really good in every single aspect! The messages and values in this drama are endless. Can't stop thinking about it! (makes it not think about results day on next Thursday)

It ended today :( so so so so sad. I've never felt so heavyhearted about a drama series before. This is beyond amazing :')

Must and gonna rewatch it anytime soon!

Summer.

is boring. Well, mine is.

Idk why T___T other than Tuesdays and most Wednesdays, i've only been staying home and facing my laptop if not my homework. At least I've done my Psychology work!

It's only been 3 weeks. Actually, it's been not too draggy. Because I'm watching this drama! Seriously, i cant stress how good it is, and it's ending this week T___T after that i'll be lifeless again. This is actually the thing that i look forward to the most since last week. hahaha. so sad it's ending. but oh well. good thing never lasts, does it.

actually, i cant believe it's the third week. and the day we've been talking about everyday since last month is on next week. look at that! CANT WAIT FOR MY RESULTS. i wonder if im achieving what i want.

4 more weeks of holiday. i think it'll be okay, as in it wont go quick or slow.

i've been to Stamford and Cambridge yesterday. i think Cambridge people are meaner, somehow. Idk, just.. i feel quite uncomfortable there. the view is really good. and the place is really comfortable as well. but i think it's way too "high-class". it's like there's a "layer" between me and the environment. sounds odd, i know.

and last few days, we passed by this stand where they were giving away make-up, and this guy asked me "make-up?" i was like "no, no make-up". he went "NO MAKE UP?" hahaahah. it was really funny. and then my mom was like, actually it's good for you young people to put on some make-up sometimes. i was like O___O really? haha. cz my mom is kind of traditional-thinking (so am i). so she doesnt really encourage people to put on make up if we're still young. but that recently my mom changed her mind haha. (possibly because she's seen my sister put make up on quite frequently. so yesterday when we went to to Cambridge and Stamford, we put on some make up! well, not really make-up. just eyeliners. that's like a big step for me ahaha. i think make up should be reserved for "big occasions" like proms, parties, dinners etc. or else we'll always look the same! there're so many people go to school with make up. imagine waking up early everyday to put on eyeliner and mascara and eye shadow. effort! cant be bothered ahaha.

so yeah. 4 more weeks! better cherish, although im pretty sick of it already. i think im the weirdest people in the world moaning about how long my holiday is. seriously, i cant stand myself sometimes.

Sometimes I feel really ignored.

Like, what's the point of being here when no one cares?

period pain is one of the worst things ever.

OH BTW.

I'M WATCHING THIS HK DRAMA CALLED KARMA RIDER 師父·明白了!!!

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

i thought it's boring when i first watch it, but soon, IT GETS REALLY GOOD!

so much morals and values in there! although the cast is not as strong as Triumph in the Sky II, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. one of the few series that have made me feel so eager to watch them!

it's ending next week T___T im gonna rewatch it so many times. hahaha.

AND THE THEME+SUB SONGS ARE SO NICE. awesome.

人情世故。

I cant stop thinking about the first day of school again.

I actually want to go back to becoming how I was when i first start AS year. sitting all by my own focussing on my studies. Idk why. Maybe it's because i really dont have time for social life. Or any other things. I wont admit that i dont have a life. it's just that my life revolves around studying and watching HK dramas. that's how introvert i am. proud to be. i can imagine myself studying 24/7 in school even during my free time. i think i'll enjoy it tho.

i dont wanna get too close with my friends in school, and then end up not going anywhere with them outside of school hours. it might bring a senses of "fake-ness" to them. maybe it's best to leave them as they were and keep a safe distance. maybe it's just me. maybe it's just me being afraid of not fitting in. maybe it's just me thinking that things wont turn out as i've expected.

Im nineteen next year. so old. unlike many of them who are still 16 turning 17 this year. i want to treasure every single minute i have in school.

i suddenly feel so detached with school.

HAPPY 1ST AUGUST!

more like FINALLY IT'S 1ST AUGUST!

i've been waiting so so so long for August to come. July has been kind of dreadful. Not in the sense that bad things happened (touch wood), but it's been so draggy! especially the two weeks of the holidays.

Come to think of it, now that it's August, holiday has passed quite normally. at least there's two more weeks till results day (everyone [especially me, of course] has been talking about it since last month [which is a day ago haha]) and school's next month. somehow i cant wait for next term to come! A2 Law (EXCITED!) and A2 Psychology (i'm pretty motivated today; im gonna do my essay later ;) ). but im somehow quite worried about my 2 AS subjects. Firstly, i dont wanna take Eng Lit but Geog instead (on the other hand im quite worried that i wont fit in/like the people in that class) and my teacher said he will try to move the blocks around (but it will be quite difficult). Secondly, idk what to say about the History class. Hopefully I'll be okay, and most importantly, my History teacher seems to have pretty high expectation on me so hopefully (again) i'll meet the expectations.

oh and i am so motivated today! maybe because the weather is sooooo good today! so warm! about 30 degree celcius! sometimes it's a little bit too hot but i prefer hot than cold. cold days like yesterday make me feel so dead. and today, since it's already August, I'M GONNA START CONTINUE DOING MY HOMEWORK! just realised that i've done a small piece of work last week. heehee.

i feel so motivated to start my Psychology essay! but im gonna finish watching the 3 episodes of dramas i've downloaded. gonna spend all night doing homework i guess!

i feel like creating another study timetable as well actually. it worked last April although there's slight "delay". at least i knwo what im doing :)

im gonna buy some revision books from the internet, and it's gonna cost me fortune :( i told my mom, and she goes "what to do, you need it for your work". i think at least it's better than asking her to buy clothes :P im torn between buying secondhand book or brand new one. but then again, if i pay an extra £5 i can get new one. and i prefer reading new books :P sense of possession. hahaha.

not bad. today is an alright day. i had an injection! the nurse said i needed another one because i've only got one from Malaysia. it was pretty painful when she poked the needle into my arm. but then it's alright. i must've looked pretty scared cz she went "you're very brave. want a sticker?" (jokingly) HAHAHA. aww i feel so kiddy. it's nice to be kiddy sometimes.

so yeah. im gonna start watching now. bye!

Torn between:

"It's already the last day of July, just relax for the last day and start working your ass off from tomorrow onwards!"

and;

"IT'S ALREADY THE LAST DAY OF JULY. MUST AT LEAST START DOING SOMETHING!"

i'll figure out which direction im gonna go to later after i've watched all the dramas (only 3 episodes -.-) tonight. probably at 9+pm i'll start my work.

I've phoned the Comms Team about marshalling a judge, and i've got to write an email to him about it. That's alright i guess. but he said he cant guarantee my application. at least im trying!

*
Sometimes i wonder, i need to go through so much hassles in order to reach something. What if everything isnt worthwhile? What if the mission is impossible?

But then again: if i dont try, i'll never know.

im suddenly really excited for results day!!!

2 weeks and 3 days!

"We sometimes see excellent students fall into the trap of indulging in their success of gaining entry into a prestigious university. Not that there is anything truly wrong with this but once in a while you do see someone get carried away and rely a lot on their alma mater to give them their identity and see them through life. This can be dangerous because the initiative for success is subconsciously made dormant. They often become too complacent because of the false safety blanket of their university affiliation and will subsequently lose the drive they once had and gain a selfish sense of entitlement."

- Julian Tan

That's what I'd hate to see in myself. (not that I'm really an 'excellent' student)

"We must not let this happen to us. The distinguished university we once affiliated with should never define us; it is we who must define ourselves. And in fact, it is the students that define the university anyway.
Let us not forget that in the grand scheme of things, university is not the end but preparation for the beginning.
So, does it really matter to us whether Oxford is better than Cambridge or vice versa? Does it really matter which university we end up going to, Oxbridge or not, and where it is in the university rankings?
Yes in a way but in essence, no. As Baz Luhrmann very wisely put it, "the race is long and, in the end, it is only with yourself"."

So inspiring!

What is your special day?

Mine is definitely not Birthday.

i do nothing i dont do much on my Birthday. it's just like any normal day, which it actually is, but i do feel a littttttle bit more special.

Watch me: im turning really geeky ahaha.

I figured out that Results day is actually a really special day. It's not just about the grades and the piece of result slip you get.

It's about how much work you've done that makes you there. It's about whether or not all your hardwork is paid off. It's about the effort you've made in one whole year for different subjects. It's about happiness. And most importantly, it's about how proud you've made your parents to have you as a child and also the teachers to have you, amongst all the others, as a student.

The thing is, the teachers are gonna know the results a day before us -.- so, no surprise for them. Well, actually there is. but i'd be more interested in seeing their faces once they know our results. watching their reaction is more entertaining. haha.

im really really scared. i dont wanna (no matter how many times i've repeated this) disappoint them. Im actually even more scared than the previous one. because idk whether i'll reach the expectation that the teachers and, most importantly, I have set for myself.

but oh well. what's done is done. cant do much. just pray that the grade boundaries are really low. and the examiner was in a good mood when he/she was marking my paper. *fingers crossed*

feel so dead.

so lazy and tired :(

I woke up at (i actually forgot what time) 8+am because of the stupid gate of the shop next door plus the people were talking so loudly (seriously, why are they awake so early?), and then i went back to sleep but at 9am, my mom crashed (like literally) into my room and chuck a letter on my table (MOM IM SLEEPING) and (of course, curiosity kills) i went to check out on that letter. It was from my school, telling us they key dates eg RESULTS DAY and the first day of term. then again, i went back to sleep till 10.30am. SUCH A DISASTROUS MORNING.

and the school has changed the dresscode. it was "smart casual" last few years, but recently (apparently it's because we dressed too casually over the past few weeks since exam's finished) they make it "smart business wear". super formal. im just gonna stick to shirt shirt shirt shirt and skirt skirt skirt skirt. and the dress/skirt must "be no longer than knee length". i'll look like a midget :( but i think they'll let us wear a bit above knee length. it's just that those people in my school like to wear super mini skirts/dresses (so uncomfortable) to school. cant stand that. the new dress code is good actually, despite being a bit dull. at least i wont see people wear leggings as trouser or super mini skirts (i feel scared for them when there's wind, you know haha). and the school will look so professional *being so optimistic!!* not bad, not bad. but then sooner or later, i think it will slowly go back to being smart casual again. haha. it happened last year. (well, maybe they're stricter this year) but i did still stick with my semi-formal dresscode last time till now. cz i bought the shirt last year already, might as well wear it throughout the year. and it looks so cool and professional :B haha. i dont get how people wear t-shirt to school knowing that the teacher will tell them off -.- like seriously. like they're going shopping.

we went to the Walmart and had KFC. i had too much food that im pretty sure that i will gain lots of weight before school even starts. i feel so useless, lying in my bed worrying about my weight (and homework actually). i feel like jogging, but lacked determination and will :P oh well. but seriously, im eating too much.

I prefer school days, to be honest. idk whether i've mentioned this before, but at least we get less homework which is due maybe next lesson. not a PILE of homework for EACH subject ready to be handed in once school reopens. actually, i think if we divide the homework per week, we actually get twice the amount of work we usually get in school -.- holiday, they say.

OH DID I TELL YOU. i actually did my work yesterday! was so determined! in the afternoon i didnt do anything and then after dinner, i showered and thought, since the light is still not fixed, i should do some work till the sun sets. it worked! but it took a lot of effort tho. haha. although it's law, i still feel lazy to do it (luckily i have more will for this) :P i have one more booklet and key cases (LOADS) left, and law is sorted!

I'll see when i'll have the will to really pack it in and start all my work properly. I told myself not to slack till 1st Aug. That's the deadline. then im gonna make a study timetable for myself. hope it will work well for this time too!

im still so sleepy :(

i think i should pick up running again. cant afford to keep eating and let the fats conquer my body again. haha.

"it takes sadness to know happiness".

INDEED.

it was such a disastrous day yesterday!

EVERY. SINGLE. THING. didnt go right.

But fortunately at the moment today was (im hoping that it still IS) A VERY GOOD DAY!

i just feel really motivated!

I just got an email from my Law teacher saying that the school has arranged some Open Days for me to go for after school has reopened! the school doesnt normally do it. but i think they're starting to organise those things for us. anyways, i cant express how grateful i am to have such teachers! and one of the open days is on Friday. which means Im gonna skip school be absent, but Ms said im allowed to! haha.

and then i've sent out my CVs out. only two. haha. at least it's somehow sorted :) and the light problem- my uncle (an electrician in Malaysia) has sorted it out. haha. not as serious as we thought.

im on my laptop but im pretty sure that i'm gonna do my work after this! not gonna watch any show/drama. VERY DETERMINED!

so glad that i'm back to normal. i cant wait for the open days!

ps. i just heard someone outside saying something "EUROPEAN UNION!" haha.

i cant help but stress how NERVOUS i am. THREE MORE WEEKS TILL RESULTS DAY.

Oxford.

A trip. nothing else. haha.

I cant believe that i didnt mention this yesterday when i was posting my blog about dudley zoo. I went to Oxford with my mom, sis and bro (dad was working) the day before. got ready by 1.30pm, reached there at 3.30. it was new to us and so we took more than 30mins to find a parking lot. and it's so expensive. HASSLES.

so yeah. our journey involved walking and going around the city by the sight-seeing bus. all the pictures can be viewed through my fb album. something ran through my mind when i was travelling in the city. would i wanna spend 3 years in this (pretty) hectic city? it's not as hectic as in a normal city. it's really crowded and busy. maybe im one of the kind of people who like quiet and peaceful living style. but then again, you can get almost everything there. Compared to Cambridge, it's a lot a lot busier. Well, maybe i didnt really explore Cambridge properly. My mom said we should all visit Cambridge again.

Nevertheless, Crown Court and County Court (it's in the same building. how cool!) never fail to intrigue me. no i didnt go in there HAHA but i still feel amazed!

the buildings were really really pretty. there's this old man who kept asking us questions and answering them for us. HAHA. for example, he asked "do you know where the books are?" (we're in the library) and we were like, hmm not sure. he went "it's in the underground". hahaha. it's kind of funny! but he seems so knowledgeable.

oh yeah. i wanted to say that i feel so demotivated today. it's like idk what to do with my life. too much homework (idek where to start), stuck with my laptop with a show i can watch (turned out it's pretty boring), worrying about my work experience and marshalling a judge, wondering if i'll hate school next year, FREAKING NERVOUS ABOUT MY RESULTS (EXACTLY THREE WEEKS' TIME), my laptop's microsoft office is gone (no Word, PPT, nor Excel), my right abdomen hurts, my study table is so messy (cant be bothered to organise it), and the light is so dim.

but there's this part of me telling me that: since you're so demotivated, go do your work. at least im engage with something. i wanna watch the show actually. quickly finish it, so i can concentrate on my work. excuses, i know. but im the type of person who must finish something if I've started it. weird, of course im weird. heh.

it's the 7th day of holiday and it feels like ages. It feels like it's been a month. i dont really like long holidays. we i have more homework than ever, we i procrastinate even more, we i feel extremely bored, we i get a lot lazier, we i have no where to go, and  we i gain weight. hahaha. seriously, it's only been a week! 6 more weeks to go. which means 6 more weeks to do my work. minus Tuesdays where my mom usually brings us out, that is 5 weeks. i dont think i'll be able to finish all my work ... im feel so lazy :(

i feel so lost. i wanna do my work but at the same time i dont. i should hibernate. UGH.


*edits

I JUST PERMANENTLY DELETED THE PROM PICTURE OF ME AND MY PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER BY ACCIDENT. COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE.


**edits (again)
THE LIGHT BULB OF MY ROOM SUDDENLY WENT "PAAAP!" because i sort of taken it out but never put it back properly.

PLEASE DONT GET ANY WORSE.

...

so.. we cannot use the lights in all the rooms now. sigh. what did i do :(

procrastination.

I FEEL LIKE SLAPPING MYSELFFFFF.

I felt so so so motivated to do my work just now! i finished watching the dramas wich are out today, and then i was like, OMG I WANNA start DOING MY WORK! and i actually felt excited! but then i saw a pile of laundry in my room. My mom left it there. I was like, i should help my mom to fold the clothes. SO I DID THAT. and then the worst thing is when i was folding the clothes, i listened to music on Youtube ... ONLY TO REALISE THAT I STILL HAVE A DOCUMENTARY TV SHOW TO WATCH. i watched till episode 8 yesterday and completely forgot about it today (idk how). SO of course i wanna continue watching. IF ONLY I DIDNT FOLD THE CLOTHES LISTEN TO MUSIC ON YOUTUBE. :((((((

there i am, telling myself that i'll start doing my work on the first day of August (which is actually not far away). Six days. I know that i will feel really guilty and bad if i spend ALL SIX DAYS watching the show. I hate myself man. WHY DID I REMEMBER THAT I HAVENT FINISHED WATCHING IT?! if i didnt remember, i've probably started my work already T_____T but then now i dont wanna start my work :((((((( but i will feel bad. but it's only the start of the holidays T_T (it feels like ages.) SHOOT RESULTS DAY. omg man. i saw my law teacher in school today (i'll tell you why i needed to go to school today in a bit) AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT MY RESULTS OMG. so scary nerve-wrecking spine-chilling (does this word even exist?). so yeah it's only the start of the holidays :( the fifth day haha. who knows. i might do my work later tonight (i might really actually). actually no. once i've started watching, i'll never stop.

I HATE DILEMMAS. I HATE CHOOSING. I WANNA MARRY A HUSBAND WHO WILL DECIDE EVERYTHING FOR ME (CHOICES WHICH I WILL LIKE OF COURSE).

SO. the reason i wanna type this post is:

DEAR FUTURE ASHLEIGH CHAI SEE KEE PLEASE DO NOT PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE.

T_T please slap me.

oh and i went to dudley zoo and castle today! it was a 'psychology trip' haha. only 5 of us and Mrs Rukar our psychology teacher :D i went to school at 9.40 -___- bcs my sis needed to be in school for this maths tuition thingy. SHE teaches other students. hahaha. oh well. so i was the only one there -.- with my teacher. it was pretty awkward, cz i cant really talk :/ if only i know how to talk and engage in a conversation. sigh.

Overall it was alright. OH. i finally witnessed a Macaque. You know how ppl describe females who put loads of make up especially blusher 'baboon butt'? I SAW THE BUTTS TODAY. they (the asses HAHAHA) look really ugly tbh. haha. and apparently when the female macaques get attracted by the males, their asses will turn REDDER. FUYOH. im amazed. haha.

oh then there's this little boy called "reece" (not sure about the spelling) who was holding a cheap (like toy, but usable) camera and kept snapping pics of me. I WAS SO SCARED. i tried to turn my back towards him but then he shoved my shoulders and made me face him again. i was like .. okay i'll play with my phone. HAHA. i should've acted cool and smile and let him take a picture of me. i bet he'll go away after that. oh well. he's about 6/7 yo i think.

So yeah. Oh and there's a chair lift (like a cable car, without the 'cube', just chairs) to bring us up the mini hill. It was quite fun! but a bit dangerous and scary. that's like my favourite part of the trip. hahaha. we went to the dudley castle and went up to the highest floor. when we were coming down the stairs (you know those olden days staircases where you turn round and round and round) i hurt my knees (the joints above). HURT SO MUCH :( i was nearly limping, my legs were kinda wobbly. i was so scared that i'll roll down the stairs. haha. but seriously. it hurts so bad i dont even know why.I COULD BARELY WALK.

then we went home at 2. my friends wanted to watch Despicable Me 2 but i went home instead. i was a good day actually :)

Neurotic.

I'm seriously getting a bit neurotic. Idk why.

As you know (you probably don't, really), SUMMER BREAK HAS BEGUNNNNNNN!!!!

I'm really excited actually. A part of me says the opposite. As usual. Sooooo I've got no plan actually. Well, my friend says I could go over her house to have some fun. Maybe during Eid. Dunno whether the plan will work. But I'll see.

I actually plan to 'be useless' and slack for three days. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I feel like reading/finish reading my book. I have so many books but I doubt that ill finish reading the, since I have so much work. I was so tired yesterday. Barely wanna move. And my mom was like, 'you look so tired. Is it because you overworked yourself over past few weeks?' Well, at least she noticed that I was working. Hahaha. That's why I feel like being useless for this week. But there's this part of me urging myself to 'GO DO YOUR WORK, ASHLEIGH.' :(

Oh yeah. We had this fundraiser car wash event to raise money for New York. We need to raise £3000 by next March/April apparently. Sounds a lot. But we'll work our way through. The car wash event was quite a disaster. Not in the profit aspect. We raised about £80 washing 20 cars (more or less). It was disaster as in I didn't work well with my so called friends. I don't wanna start a drama or anything. But it was really tiring because they said they were 'really tired' and ended up keep asking me to carry buckets of water for them. I don't really mind carrying buckets, but at least say PLEASE and THANK YOU. I'm not your slave, just so you know. They were like, 'Ashleigh, can you come with me to get some more water?' Although i was really tired, I agreed cz I thought who's gonna do it if everyone says they're tired? But then they immediately said 'oh actually we just need a bucket of water' and they just stayed there.

This is something that really gets me. Even my friend says that I don't normally get angry but this time... I just can't tolerate anymore. It was the second day (we had to wash one more car). I stayed with them till late evening on the first day to wash the cars too and FYI we went home together at 6.00pm. And one of them just claimed that I'm 'the least tired'. Like what the hell. I'm still quite gutted actually. But since it's the start of Summer break, I should let go of everything that makes me unhappy in school (don't think I can do it anyway).

One thing I've realised is, I don't really care about what most ppl think about me already. At this stage, i just wanna get on with my life and do the best I could to succeed. I don't have time for this kind of drama, pleasing everyone by obeying and complying with them. Oh btw, I know someone dislikes me in school actually. Idk what I've done, but I can feel that one or two of them were talking about me in their mother language IN FRONT OF ME. it's kind of ridiculous, really. But I don't really care. What can I do anyway? I find myself very different compared to how I was before. I used to question myself from time to time, thinking what I can do to prevent people disliking me (such ugly truth). But now, I'm being myself, kind of ignoring ppl who don't really like me. one thing is, I don't expect everyone to like me. But if you don't, please don't act like you do. It's really ugly. I rather someone just ignore me.

Oh yeah. I've written up my CV and cover letter to apply for voluntary/work experience. I've been to 3 solicitors firm, but they said they currently don't offer any work/voluntary experience. I've visited the Citizens Advice Bureau as well and applied for the Office Admin position. But they need 3 weeks to sort something out. And then I've been to this charity shop called Oxfam today. Again, they need 'a couple of weeks time' to get back to me. I was like, I DON'T HAVE MANY 'A COUPLE OF WEEKS' YOU KNOW. I wanna do something productive this summer. But everything doesn't seem to go smoothly ugh. But I'll still try. No matter what. I might just go straight to the Crown Court and see if they have anything to offer.

Talking about my Cv and cover letter, I'm so grateful to have my teachers to help me! Initially, I've written my first drafts and asked Mrs Westwood to proofread and check them. Then she tweaked and improved both my CV and cover letter. She emailed me this really detailed advice on how I can improve my Cv and CL. It was really really detailed. I was wondering that it must've took her really long to type that email :') Then she asked whether I want her to forward my CV and CL to the legal department in her husband's insurance company. :') and she asked me to send them to my other two law teachers Mr Iqbal and Mrs Flora as well. I think she told them about it yesterday in school (we finished school on Thursday but teachers still have to go to school on Friday haha). And then Mr Iqbal replied my email attaching his cover letter for me to use as a guide or something at 12.26am. I mean, surely teachers dont sleep early but then at least they took the effort to reply my email late at night :') WHERE TO FIND TEACHERS LIKE THEM?!!! Mrs Flora has been really helpful as well. She didn't even teach me (only taught me in revision class and when i gatecrash her class haha) but she kept helping me in finding useful voluntary work like the Witness Support org. But sadly I haven't got time for the 5-day compulsory training. I might do it next year. I can't stress this enough but I'm really grateful to have them as my law teachers. The teachers of my favourite subject aha!

Oh yeah. Back to the title, I said I'm being neurotic because I keep feeling like doing my work! Despite being the second day of the holiday! Idk why, but I just think I need to start doing my work already because I know that once I start slacking, I won't do my work (not this time tho, I know that I will do my work). I have waaaaaay too much work to do. I have:

- EPQ aka the 5000-word essay

- my law booklet (not really worried about cz ive got the textbook heeheehee) and case cards (not compulsory, I just wanna do it before it gets too late when teachers ask us to when school starts)

- my psychology booklet (now, this is really hard!) and essay (difficult as well).

- personal statement (the school is making me do it although I'm not applying to Uni this year hahaha but it's okay. I'll see it as a practice)

I should be grateful actually. Cz I've only got 2 subjects. Others have three because they are doing 3 A2 subjects next year. But EPQ man. This is the one I'm really worried about. CZ IDK WHAT TO WRITE. That's why I'm saying I'm being neurotic. I needa start figuring out what to write already. Or maybe finish my other work first.

so yeah. It's not too bad, is it? Not unless I keep slacking. Ugh. I think I need to create another study timetable. Haha. It's quite useful, u know! Hmm. But I won't be able to use my laptop till tmr/Monday :( MY HARDDISK IS BROKEN. It's being repaired now :( costs £80 :( so sad :( I've got no money man. I'm using my iPad (this is when iPad comes in handy heh :P - but look at the amount of typos i've made) not bad huh ;)

I'm going for a trip to the zoo in Dudley next Wednesday. I don't really expect it to be fun. Dunno why. I think I'm losing hope in school lol. I feel like going back to becoming the person who ignores the rest of the people in school, concentrating only on her studies. That's me last year. But then again, I'll hate school. I don't wanna hate school. I loved school. And some of the people there. Perhaps it's just these few days. I'm sure (hopefully) that ill be back to normal again when school reopens. NO ACTUALLY. WHEN I GET MY RESULTS BACK. OMGGGGGG RESULTSSSSS. I really hopeeeee ill get what I want. PLEASEEEE. I can't afford disappointing anyone. after all these things. 15th August. I'm starting to count down now :SSS really scared.

I bought 4 Thank You cards for my teachers but didn't give them on the last day of school. im such an awkward person :( My friend suggests me to give them on results day. I was like, oh yeaah. I'll give them IF I get good results. I really wanna T___T I won't know how to face my teachers if I don't. TOUCHWOOD. I will i will i will!

Okaaaay. I've got nothing more to say. WISH ME LUCK EVERY NOW AND THEN! I really need it :) IM STILL SO NERVOUS QFDRWVAJQOSIW

Bye.

Time is ticking.

Im really sleepy and thirsty (idk why im not drinking my water when the bottle is just right next to me).

But i thought i'll just write it down.

So. I just realised that i've only got one year to prepare, unlike what my teachers said (two years), if i wanna apply to Oxbridge. Because im not applying this year, which means i'll apply in next September. So I'll have to make sure i get as much things done in this summer. and maybe some small things next summer. NOT TWO YEARS. sigh.

ONE YEAR. how to get things done?

FINALLY DONE TWO PAGES FOR MY EXTENDED PROJECT! just the planning. ahahaha. I forgot to mention yesterday that my teacher said i should carry on with my extended project. so next year i'll be very very very busy. Hopefully I'll follow all my plans. actually i dont even have a plan yet. hahaha. but oh well. I'll manage my time properly. And this might be something I can write in my personal statement? :D

Now I have my law work left. Due Monday and Tuesday. And I really have to write up my CV by tomorrow. Cz i need to send it off maybe tomorrow or Monday. I dont even have a clue how to write one. haha.

Okay then i shall proceed to my law work. SO DETERMINED TODAY AND YESTERDAY!

i wanna finish most of my work as soon and as much as possible so that i can free up my summer holidays for something more productive.

actually u know what, i have to help my mom first :/ my sister never helps. she just lies in her bed watching animes. and today when i asked her to help mom do something, she said she hurt her hand. she doesnt even help to wash the dishes. i have to do basically everything. she's like a freaking princess.

“同一件事
发生在不同时间、地点、人身上，
你都会有别一同的看法，
也就是事情本什么日有所谓对错。
等你将来回顾，
你可能会后悔，
又或者会庆幸。
但在眼前这一刻，
你不可能知道将来会怎样。
你唯一能做得，
就是做你当下能做的事。
如果只是不停盘算将来会怎样，
在你最惊慌担心的时候，
你已经浪费了当下，
接着下一分钟你又会觉得自己 已经失去了最好的时刻。
这样下去，
你只会越来越怕，越来越担心。
最后的结果，
你什么都没做过。”

“ 当年觉得对，今天觉得错，那就今天做对它。最重要的是别什么都不做 任由它错下去。”

- 紫羅蘭

SO MOTIVATED TO PUT THINGS INTO ACTION!!!

Really really motivated.

So i spoke to Mrs Westwood about my 'future' already. However complicated it may seem, the chat did open myself up a little. It was quite funny tho, the chat. Cz it was my other Law teacher Mr Iqbal who made her do this. haha.

So we started off saying which Uni i wanna go and stuff, and it all went back to the issue of "why not try applying to Oxbridge?"

Sometimes i wonder, don't the teachers think they're having too high expectation of me? What if i disappoint them? Bear in mind that my exam results are coming out on the 15th August SHOOOTTT. so scared.

But then again, like what Ms has said, if i keep thinking that i cant do it, then surely i wont be able to do it.

It felt funny having that chat. Or weird, i should say. Maybe it's just that im not used to having one-to-one talk with teachers.

She told me lots of thing. And i told her that I am actually an average student in Malaysia (she laughed, you know HAHA and said she wanna take her words back [she was joking]) and her reaction was funny. Idk whether it's a good or bad reaction (that's how bad it is) but i think it doesnt really matter.

Im worried that i cant cope with 4 subjects next year with all the exams in June/July :( I really wanna do well in Law and Psychology.

I actually told Ms that i might think about applying to Oxbridge if i get my results next summer because i'll know what my Alvl grades are before i apply. But then she;s quite shocked because it's gonna be quite late to think about applying because if, lets say, i really get A* in my results and suddenly wanna apply to both the Unis, i will have no time to prepare.

I told her about my studies in Malaysia, i think she looked quite worried.. haha idk, maybe she thinks: what if all these are pointless? I had to admit that im actually quite dumb (which, maybe, i shouldnt have :P) in Malaysia. ahahha. cz it's hard to see yourself when you're with a bunch of clever friends, you see :P haha.

Maybe i should start to really think about it. But i always feel that all these are beyond my capabilities. Idk... actually, the chat didnt really ease my thoughts. There's still a lot of things going through in my mind, and i didnt really open up as much as i thought i would be. I think i need someone 'proper' to talk to. But who?

But one thing that strikes me is, i didnt realise that i even have the chance to apply to Oxbridge. It's like, if no one ever told me about my capabilities, i probably will just go with the flow, for example applying to local universities. Things would've been very different by then. I didnt even dare to think to apply to any top universities before this. I think, sometimes, i just need someone to shed some light on me, reassuring me that everything's gonna be alright, telling me that i can actually achieve further than i thought.

I told her that i feel really grateful that i have teachers like them to have noticed me, and she said "put it this way, it's hard not to notice you" and started telling me about my target grades in the beginning of the year. hahaha. My target grade was D-E for every subject xD i was shocked as well, not that i thought im gonna do well. I thought at least i was capable of gaining C grades in all my exams. And she told me that Mr Iqbal and her noticed my work (first assessment) in September (right at the beginning of AS year) and "no no no no no". I still remember what Mr Iqbal told me when he marked my first assessment actually. But what surprises me is that Ms still remembered what happened in the beginning of the year. I feel touched, really. And she told me that lacking confidence is one of the main problems in me, but it somehow is also a good thing, because that shows that im not arrogant about my results and stuff. this was the exact same thing that my friends told me. but idk how ppl can be arrogant tho. like, how? haha.maybe, i should start self-reflecting and see what's really in me. but im scared that i might start losing myself too. i dont wanna give ppl the impression that im being conceited and thinking too highly of myself just because i did well in my exams. But then again, i should stop thinking about what others think.

I can see that Ms was trying to tell me that she wants me to think about it because she thinks i can do it, but didnt wanna be too sure of it. I sometimes wonder, are they doing this is somehow because of the school? It's mixed feeling man. But she did tell me that (shhh) make sure i am the one who choose whether i wanna apply or not. Dont do it just because someone says i can do it. I'll have serious thought about it :)

And then after the chat i was suddenly quite motivated. haha. it was a good day in school actually. we went there dressed in casual clothes. SO COMFY! i wore my SAB prefect shirt :') it's really really comfy. haha. felt so relaxed. And we were just doing our application for universities (im doing this just to practice). and then we were allowed to go home at 1.30!!! SO NICE OF MY TEACHER TO LET US GO HOME. hehe. i went to the town with my friends, and i just thought of going into this Citizen Advice Bureau to ask for volunteering opportunities (i had to apply online or phone the manager sigh), and it struck me to visit the solicitor firms just a stone's throw away from the CAB. so i went to both firms; one needs me to write an email with my CV attached, and one needs me to phone the solicitor (SO SCARED!)

the new town was pretty nice, but not many shops are open yet.

I was planning to write my CV or do my school work, but ended up writing my blog. this is such a long post ahaha. please bear with me <3 and after this imma take a shower, watch my drama series, and then start doing my work! this is gonna be a busy weekend and thank God i've finished my psychology homework which is due next Monday! :DDD i have so much work for Summer :( i want to marshall a judge as well, dunno whether that'll work but i'll see :) LOADS OF WORK. i need to finish my 5000-word extended essay for summer as well. Sigh, busy busy busy!

i really hope all these hard work will pay off.

bye!