I'M SO READY FOR SCHOOOOOL! :'DDD

I'm so happy. Hahah. Because I'm gonna gonna go to school to get my timetable and meet my form tutor! I wonder if I still have the same form tutor and same form with the same friends! Hopefully! I hope that my timetable is good to. Please, at least better than my previous one. I'm gonna break down if it's as ugly as that one.

I've just realised that I have coincidently bought ONE jumper, ONE dress, ONE shirt, ONE blazer, ONE pair of shoes, ONE cardigan, ONE skirt and ONE pair of trousers. I'm so amazed by myself ahahaha.

Right. School starts on next coming Monday, I can't wait! I hope it's a good year, I'll hopefully make it a good year!

Can't believe it's 4 months till 2014. I don't like how time flies. I've noticed my mom and dad are growing older. I hope I can be successful and buy them a house to live. Haha. Such a big big dream.

I feel like I've wasted my whole summer :( I've done nothing productive. My mom should take a break from her work. We should go somewhere relaxing one day. Maybe next year. We're hoping that we'll go back to Malaysia!

I haven't done my personal statement T___T idek how to start it. Sigh.

Okay enough said. I'm gonna go, bye!

My IBS has got worse :(

Had constipation and diarrhoea on the same day. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!!

Hello guys!

Summer is ending in 2 weeks' time. I have no idea why I start to count down. Haha. It's involuntary, you know. :B

I'm so worried about my health. These days I keep getting dizziness (feeling light-headed) and having shortness of breath and my heart keeps pounding. It sucks. I really wonder why. Gonna see the doctor sometime this week.

Maybe it's because of being restless during the holidays. Haha. I think I'm a workaholic, or maybe schoolaholic. I don't feel well being at home for the whole 7 weeks.

I'm going to Stamford for a picnic with my cousins and aunt. Really hope I'm okay that time!

I'm actually really freaking out :(

Moody.

I mean the weather. The weather is so ugly right now, it makes me feel like lying in my bed doing nothing for the rest of my life.

Haha.

I suddenly feel like painting. But then I'm too lazy to go to another room to get my canvas and paint :(

I'm pretty proud of myself, I managed to finish almost half of my law booklet yesterday :D I think I will (must) manage to finish it off before school starts :D

Cant wait for school! I know I will regret saying this once school reopens. But still, i'm rotting at home.

My family wants to go to Cardiff on the 3rd and come back on the 4th :( But then school asks us to go back to register and get our timetables on the 4th. I wanna go to school and get my timetable :( I'm actually quite excited to see my new timetable because my previous one was a mess. It was so ugly that I wanted to cry when i got it. Haha. Seriously. But then.. I have a feeling that this one would be quite a mess too :S *fingers crossed, hope it wont be!* I hope I'm in the same class with the same people I wanna be with. Actually, no. I'll just be on my own if no one is there.

Sigh. Why is my life so complicated? Idk whether I can go to school the next day on the 5th to get it. What if my teacher nags me -___- I wanna go to school and meet my friends :( I actually miss some of them, you know. Haha.

I wonder when people will stop asking me

"have you done your work, Ashleigh?"

(didnt realise it turns out to rhyme)

oh what a talent I have. haha

but yeah, it's a sad story.

Slap me.

Nope, the plan yesterday about "doing my work after taking shower" didnt work out.

I think I should stop making false promises to myself -.-

Got so sick of being so damn motivational but didnt end up doing anything.

Full stop.

okayyyyy. so 2 1/2 weeks left for school and i still havent done my law work (and i'm already talking about writing up my notes?)

Im freaking out now ahahaha. Really needa pack it in. No more "one page of work per day".

Luckily Im feeling really motivated today! So I'm gonna do my work later after I have my shower.

I must make sure this feeling doesnt disappear as soon as I've finished taking my shower!

Time to get some work done!!

Dunno why.

Just feel like updating my blog every now and then :) which is basically everyday.

Haha.

IM SO GLAD THAT HOLS ARE ENDING IN TWO (actually three) WEEKS' TIME. it's ending next, next Sunday. Woots.

I've bought myself (my mom bought me, really) a long sleeve jumper (really love it, but Im planning to wear it for Christmas which I doubt I can follow) and a sleeveless jumper! I love both of them! and previously I've bought 2 shirts, a plain black cotton skirt (from the primary school dept HAHAHA), a dress and a cotton blazer. All this is actually school-shopping. I really cant wait for school :) everyone is gonna (hopefully) look proper smart! Now I have to buy myself a pair of shoes. Too much hassle finding a right pair of shoes!

Hmm, I've started my Law work, and I just found out that when I do my work, I stop thinking about things. Which feels quite nice, really. I just have to focus on one thing. And I plan to write out the notes that I've been jotting literally EVERYWHERE in my folder and compile them :) I can imagine the outcome already OMGOSH. heeee. I find myself weird yet am grateful to get excited about doing work. Haha. But come to think of it, I have 3 weeks left to finish the work. I THINK I HAVE TO PACK IT IN AND GET SERIOUS. hahaha.

oh well. my life is so dry i need more friends. my social circle is literally like this -> O . This tiny. I wonder why. why. whY. wHY. WHY. WHY. WHY.

It's a good question, isn't it?

SIGH.

Just had my haircut! So glad it didnt go wrong.

I like it :D it's much shorter (although it's not obvious [well, it is for me :B] ). Thank God the hairdresser knew exactly how I want it to be, after me telling her, of course. So yeap. Save a lot of shampoo and hair conditioner xD not bad. And it feels so much lighter and less "burden".

I realised (a long time ago) that I get paranoid so easily. It's like, it's just one tiny matter, but I can branch out thousands over complicated things out of that. Often serious things. I hope I can change this habit someday.

THREE MORE WEEKS. cant wait for school to reopen! Kinda miss it, like I have previously said in my posts. Im literally a useless person right now :(

Done a page of work yesterday :B I know, I'm not supposed to sound this proud. Hahaha.

My brother is getting his results next Thursday. Im going to school with him, yay! I just love the environment of my school. It's like, I dont have to think about anything else apart from studying. Unlike at home, I always dont feel like studying and ended up thinking too much.

And then on 4th Sept I'm going to school again to get my timetable for next year (CANT WAIT!) I'm actually really excited for the coming year. Just hope everything will go smoothly! I've done 1 Unit of History so I've only got another Unit left. And my teacher told me that I might be doing Geog during that Unit and then study Geog on other times where I'm free IF any Geog teacher is free. Sounds fun, eh?

Gonna really persevere these three weeks!

Rot.

I'm literally "rotting" at home. My brain cells are committing suicide one by one each day.

I miss school. Hahaha. How odd it sounds. 3 more weeks, oh God. Im struggling to survive.

But really, I miss learning things and knowing that the teachers are always there for you and all the crazy friends (some, actually) who can make your day a lil' brighter. I miss occupying myself in school. At least more than half of my day is spent in school unlike during the holidays (NOW), i'm basically a useless person at home. Time is dreading to pass. I have no idea why.

I think 7 weeks of holidays are too much. Well, maybe (certainly) it wont be too much if I'm in Malaysia. Maybe (Most likely) it's because I had so many friends to hang out with in my previous school. And I got to go back to my hometown in Ipoh. Oh and we actually still had tuition (extra revision sessions outside of school hours) although we had no school, which meant that I would still be seeing the some same faces (kind of grateful, really) in tuition classes. I hate how I'm using past tense for this paragraph.

But anyways. I'm so sick of being at home. Not in that way. It's just that I'm so lifeless at home T_____T (DESPITE HAVING HW NOT DONE :P )

I know people will hate me for moaning but I prefer school days with frequent holidays because I feel more stressful during the holidays than being in school. Staying at home makes me feel so empty and not contented. It leaves me with more time to think about endless things which are probably not necessary. I think my temper is worse when Im at home. I feel very relaxed and happy in school although we have to learn new things everyday. How irony.

Maybe it's because my home doesnt really feel like a home to me.

Just realised that this sounded really depressing .__.

Nah, it isnt really that depressing (haha ... maybe it is). I think it's just that I feel really lonely at home. Maybe I should visit my friend someday next week.

Good thing is, I'm going shopping tmr. Hopefully I'll get something. I should reward myself sometimes.

I'm hungry.

I'm supposed to start my law work (felt so motivated ytd and this afternoon but the "feel" disappeared -___-) but I'm slacking now.

I NEED TO START MY LAW WORK. maybe I'll feel fine doing that :D

Realisation.

I've just realised how dumb i looked yesterday.

Gosh.

I must've looked like an idiot for crying over my results in front of my Law and Psychology teachers even though I've got A's overall for both the subjects. I think only my Law teacher understand why I cried. Others were (I think) like what is she crying for?

What the hell man. What was I thinking. They shouldn't have disclosed our Unit 2 marks you know -.- Then I wouldn't have cried. Ahahaha. Im such a dumbass.

Come to think of it, one/two of my friends were like, what? you're crying because you got a B, like seriously? (jokingly)

But then again, I'm really disappointed that I've got a B in Law Unit 2. I tried and revised so hard for it. I thought I've revised better than the previous exam, you know.

What really surprises me is my History result. I cant really believe what I've got. I cant stress this enough. Why is it so ironic that I walked out of the exam hall with a thought that Im gonna fail the History exam but got an A instead? Why is it so ironic that I walked out of the exam hall with a thought that the Law exam went on smoothly but got a B instead?

It's funny how I dont have to re-study my History Unit 1 again despite learning it only for 2 months. Proud of myself, really! :)

Although I might look like a clown yesterday for crying over my B in Law Unit 2, I'm still grateful for having my teachers as my teachers :') They are really really helpful and willing to put me in my best position. At least they were quite concerned when I cried. Haha.

cant wait for school!

holiday has been boring and draggy :(

Maybe.

Maybe I'm being too harsh to myself.

I've got my results today!

Law - 175/200 - A Overall
Psychology - 178/200 - A Overall
Film Studies - 153/200 - B Overall
Photography - 166/200 - A Overall

But the thing is, I got 59/80 in Unit 2 for Law. it was pretty disappointing to see that. I actually expected an A. 5 marks off the A. Luckily I've done quite well in my previous Unit which eventually adds up to the 175 marks I've got overall. I actually cried, you know. I was holding my feelings back when I saw the mark but then when my Law teacher asked me if I'm alright, .. it was kinda embarrassing. Hahaha. I didnt understand why I cried too. I got an A overall, what else am I expecting? It's like Paper 1 + Paper 2 = the grade. What's important is the grade. Just dont look at the break-down of the marks for each Unit and it'll be fine. I think I will feel better if you just combine both Unit and give me the score. Dont bother giving me the mark for each unit. You get what im saying?

I'm such an idiot.

My law teachers and psychology teacher were telling me that I did really well, and I shouldnt be disappointed with my results. That makes me cry even more. And my mom was there LOLLL. it just didnt feel nice seeing a not-so-good result for my favourite subject. but well, the only thing I can do is to accept! Im sad because I feel like I've let my law teachers down. The more they say I've done really well, the more I feel guilty. And when my law teacher talked to me, our head teacher is there hahaha. I dont really understand what he was saying but I think he's trying to make a joke or something so I laughed.

But then! Another shocking thing is that I've got 86/100 (A) for my History Unit 2. It actually feels funny, you know. After the exam i was like, shoot I'm gonna fail. Honestly. And look at this. Totally the other way round with Law. I wish I'm that talented in Law.

My teacher were telling me to not be disappointed or sad because my result is really good. She might get the script back and see what is wrong with my answer. It might be as simple as not answering the ques. It might be because I was so well-prepared that my answer didnt come out as I wanted. Sigh, I dont even have the "face" to talk to her about going to Oxbridge anymore.

Over the past few days I didnt feel anything about getting my results. So different compared to last time. I was so so nervous that time. I think the more I panic/nervous I am, the better the results I'm gonna get. Sounds logical to me.

But come to think of it, hey at least I've got As! and an A for History when I thought i'd fail! Which means I'll only have to do one Unit next year :) I'm actually looking forward to next school year!

Look at the positive side! What's done is done! Cant do anything anymore anyway (<-woots look at that)

现在只能够学会接受。

对不起，可能令你们失望了。

im stuck i dont even know what to put as the title.

but the point of me writing this post is.. IT'S RESULTS DAY TMR! 10.30am.

nah not really. it's not really the point. somehow im quite calm about it. it's like.. it's there right at the corner of my mind. quite afraid to trigger it. who knows what will happen. i was thinking about law psychology law psychology law psychology. until today i realised that.. I STILL HAVE HISTORY FILM STUDIES AND PHOTOGRAPHY. HAHAHAHAHA. the feeling is quite funny. it's feels as if they dont really exist to me -.- but they essentially do.

really there's no any purpose for me to write this post.

i just feel like it since it's been a few days.

im pretty grateful to have cousins who are like siblings to me. I went to Cardiff yesterday. my cousins are so funny i can literally laugh at every single thing they said. i wish i have a brother. im sure he wont bully me. haha.

three more weeks and it's school time!

summer has gone, you know. it's quite chilly these days. and it will continue to be chilly.. cold.. and then LET'S SAY HI TO WINTER! the weather makes my lungs hurt. i can barely breathe. but dont worry. i'll survive!

btw, three more weeks of hol left and i havent even started my law work and the 5000 essay. HAHAHA. i dont think i can finish the essay this month. maybe i'll finish (not start!) it when school starts. law work omg. (cry face) i cant believe i havent started that.

 人之所以痛苦，不是因為世事無常，而是因為錯，以為事物可以永恆。

-肥野三毫子理论

The best drama series ever.

Seriously. It's really good in every single aspect! The messages and values in this drama are endless. Can't stop thinking about it! (makes it not think about results day on next Thursday)

It ended today :( so so so so sad. I've never felt so heavyhearted about a drama series before. This is beyond amazing :')

Must and gonna rewatch it anytime soon!

Summer.

is boring. Well, mine is.

Idk why T___T other than Tuesdays and most Wednesdays, i've only been staying home and facing my laptop if not my homework. At least I've done my Psychology work!

It's only been 3 weeks. Actually, it's been not too draggy. Because I'm watching this drama! Seriously, i cant stress how good it is, and it's ending this week T___T after that i'll be lifeless again. This is actually the thing that i look forward to the most since last week. hahaha. so sad it's ending. but oh well. good thing never lasts, does it.

actually, i cant believe it's the third week. and the day we've been talking about everyday since last month is on next week. look at that! CANT WAIT FOR MY RESULTS. i wonder if im achieving what i want.

4 more weeks of holiday. i think it'll be okay, as in it wont go quick or slow.

i've been to Stamford and Cambridge yesterday. i think Cambridge people are meaner, somehow. Idk, just.. i feel quite uncomfortable there. the view is really good. and the place is really comfortable as well. but i think it's way too "high-class". it's like there's a "layer" between me and the environment. sounds odd, i know.

and last few days, we passed by this stand where they were giving away make-up, and this guy asked me "make-up?" i was like "no, no make-up". he went "NO MAKE UP?" hahaahah. it was really funny. and then my mom was like, actually it's good for you young people to put on some make-up sometimes. i was like O___O really? haha. cz my mom is kind of traditional-thinking (so am i). so she doesnt really encourage people to put on make up if we're still young. but that recently my mom changed her mind haha. (possibly because she's seen my sister put make up on quite frequently. so yesterday when we went to to Cambridge and Stamford, we put on some make up! well, not really make-up. just eyeliners. that's like a big step for me ahaha. i think make up should be reserved for "big occasions" like proms, parties, dinners etc. or else we'll always look the same! there're so many people go to school with make up. imagine waking up early everyday to put on eyeliner and mascara and eye shadow. effort! cant be bothered ahaha.

so yeah. 4 more weeks! better cherish, although im pretty sick of it already. i think im the weirdest people in the world moaning about how long my holiday is. seriously, i cant stand myself sometimes.

Sometimes I feel really ignored.

Like, what's the point of being here when no one cares?

period pain is one of the worst things ever.

OH BTW.

I'M WATCHING THIS HK DRAMA CALLED KARMA RIDER 師父·明白了!!!

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

i thought it's boring when i first watch it, but soon, IT GETS REALLY GOOD!

so much morals and values in there! although the cast is not as strong as Triumph in the Sky II, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. one of the few series that have made me feel so eager to watch them!

it's ending next week T___T im gonna rewatch it so many times. hahaha.

AND THE THEME+SUB SONGS ARE SO NICE. awesome.

人情世故。

I cant stop thinking about the first day of school again.

I actually want to go back to becoming how I was when i first start AS year. sitting all by my own focussing on my studies. Idk why. Maybe it's because i really dont have time for social life. Or any other things. I wont admit that i dont have a life. it's just that my life revolves around studying and watching HK dramas. that's how introvert i am. proud to be. i can imagine myself studying 24/7 in school even during my free time. i think i'll enjoy it tho.

i dont wanna get too close with my friends in school, and then end up not going anywhere with them outside of school hours. it might bring a senses of "fake-ness" to them. maybe it's best to leave them as they were and keep a safe distance. maybe it's just me. maybe it's just me being afraid of not fitting in. maybe it's just me thinking that things wont turn out as i've expected.

Im nineteen next year. so old. unlike many of them who are still 16 turning 17 this year. i want to treasure every single minute i have in school.

i suddenly feel so detached with school.

HAPPY 1ST AUGUST!

more like FINALLY IT'S 1ST AUGUST!

i've been waiting so so so long for August to come. July has been kind of dreadful. Not in the sense that bad things happened (touch wood), but it's been so draggy! especially the two weeks of the holidays.

Come to think of it, now that it's August, holiday has passed quite normally. at least there's two more weeks till results day (everyone [especially me, of course] has been talking about it since last month [which is a day ago haha]) and school's next month. somehow i cant wait for next term to come! A2 Law (EXCITED!) and A2 Psychology (i'm pretty motivated today; im gonna do my essay later ;) ). but im somehow quite worried about my 2 AS subjects. Firstly, i dont wanna take Eng Lit but Geog instead (on the other hand im quite worried that i wont fit in/like the people in that class) and my teacher said he will try to move the blocks around (but it will be quite difficult). Secondly, idk what to say about the History class. Hopefully I'll be okay, and most importantly, my History teacher seems to have pretty high expectation on me so hopefully (again) i'll meet the expectations.

oh and i am so motivated today! maybe because the weather is sooooo good today! so warm! about 30 degree celcius! sometimes it's a little bit too hot but i prefer hot than cold. cold days like yesterday make me feel so dead. and today, since it's already August, I'M GONNA START CONTINUE DOING MY HOMEWORK! just realised that i've done a small piece of work last week. heehee.

i feel so motivated to start my Psychology essay! but im gonna finish watching the 3 episodes of dramas i've downloaded. gonna spend all night doing homework i guess!

i feel like creating another study timetable as well actually. it worked last April although there's slight "delay". at least i knwo what im doing :)

im gonna buy some revision books from the internet, and it's gonna cost me fortune :( i told my mom, and she goes "what to do, you need it for your work". i think at least it's better than asking her to buy clothes :P im torn between buying secondhand book or brand new one. but then again, if i pay an extra £5 i can get new one. and i prefer reading new books :P sense of possession. hahaha.

not bad. today is an alright day. i had an injection! the nurse said i needed another one because i've only got one from Malaysia. it was pretty painful when she poked the needle into my arm. but then it's alright. i must've looked pretty scared cz she went "you're very brave. want a sticker?" (jokingly) HAHAHA. aww i feel so kiddy. it's nice to be kiddy sometimes.

so yeah. im gonna start watching now. bye!