Lost and found.

Idk what's with the title, but i thought it sounds cool and i didnt have a title. so yeah. hee.

SOOOOO. IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG DRAGGY WEEK. i dont even feel like it's only been 7 days. more like 198210478924652 days. Honestly.

I can't really be bothered with my school now. It's not that I dont wanna work hard or anything. It's just.. A2 plus AS life is getting a bit out of control.

I was dreading for school this week. I feel sad, cs I love school so much that I want to go there every day. I think it's wrong perceptions. I think I didn't really know what I was thinking. I think I didnt miss school. I just miss my friends, the interactions with them and the interactions with the teachers. Oh and of course law lessons :P

Somehow, I dont really like my Psychology class anymore. Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the teachers. I feel like my connection, which used to be there, is slowly disappearing out of thin air. The lessons seem too draggy at times. One of my teachers is really cool and I dont think she likes us much. I mean, you have to let us feel welcomed in your class in order for us to focus. Now it's like.. a workshop. Basically, you just listen, and go home. I was thinking is it because of my friends? But then it shouldnt be, cs even in my original class last year, I only talked to Marcia.

And I used to dread going to Geography class, mainly because I feel like I dont know anything about it. Come to think of it, as long as I am willing to learn and pay attention, everything should be alright although it takes a lot of time getting used to it. Surprisingly, Geography today made my moody day a lot better. We re-do this assessment and I think I did quite well. Maybe it's just that I dont know the way to answer the exam ques at first. Oh btw, for the first assessment I've got 2/6. I was quite sad you know. But at least I know what Im doing now :) Also I think it's because I cant get used to the way the teacher teaches. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. today, i left my phone at the common room and asked her if I can get it. She's like, "No, you'll have to get it after lesson." and then i pleaded that I need to get my phone or else people will take it. She was like "what folder is it?" and i went No. My phone. "What subject is it for?" And I said, phone. Mobile phone. I wanted to cry so bad you know. HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO HEAR FOLDER INSTEAD OF PHONE? My pronunciation isnt that bad, is it? I was so annoyed. After that she realised OH, PHONE, and told me to get it quickly. And I was like ... okay. Imagine if she didnt let me go get it, I think I'll just storm out of the class. Actually no. I dont really know what I'll do. Im changing my phone next week anyway :P BUT STILL. MY PHONE MAN.

After that it went quite well. Cs after 1 hour, it's another teacher's lesson. I like the lesson more. It's about rivers. I found out that I like learning rivers. And I like how the teacher keeps asking me question to make me understand more. He knew that I've never done Geo before. Compared to him, the other teacher doesnt really care about me. It's like I wanna learn those key terms for my exams as well, but she only discussed with other students about it when checking the paper. She didnt even comment on mine. I feel as if she doesnt even bother making me improve so that I learn better. He had my homework in today, and he said mine was a good answer yay! Great achievement. But tbh it took me so long to do that question, after all those researches. hahaha. And I think I've told you about the residential trip. If I havent, I'm going to a trip over a weekend to do some measuring river work. It's about learning geographical skills. I was pretty reluctant to go actually. Because I dont know anyone there. But then I found out that the new Year 12s are actually really nice, and it may be a good breakaway whilst getting closer to the nature! :) Well, minus the amount of work we'll need to do there, and minus the amount of hw from other subjects that piles up over the weekend. It's gonna be hectic, man. And we're going there at 3pm on Friday, when I have law :(((((((( that's the saddest thing of all.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I was late to school today. "Officially" the first day Im late. It was marked on my register LOLL for the first time. Over the past few years, even though Im late, I'll say something like I was by my locker or it was because my teacher wasnt there yet. But today, I cant be bothered to put up with these stuff already. So when my teacher asked me "Where were you, See Kay?" I went, "Oh I was late Ms." That's it. But then after that I felt quite dumb HAHA. oh well. Cant be bothered anymore. I used to care so much about not getting "late" in my register etc. But now, it just didnt matter. It's sad how I dont really care so much anymore. Sometimes I think it's a good thing, sometimes I think it's bad. I think I am that kind of people where people think that "oh she never gets late", "oh she never skives", "oh she does her hw as soon as she gets home". But the truth is, IM NOT AS PERFECT AS YOU SEEM.

Sometimes I feel that maybe, it's those wrong perceptions that are making me stressful. I think people expect too much of me. I remembered yesterday, I had my Psychology class (we're not allowed to have breaktime anymore T___T), and at 3pm I asked my teacher if I can "go to the toilet". So I went to the common room where all my friends are. And one of my teachers said "Aren't you supposed to be in lesson young lady, (and then I told her that I told my teacher that I wanna go to the toilet), it doesn't look like skiving is something you'd do". IM A NORMAL STUDENT YOU KNOW. I NEED A BREAK TOO. people think Im psycho. People think I can face the books and be in lesson for my whole life.

I feel like letting myself all out and just be the badass girl that no one expects I would be. I mean, I used to be like that in Malaysia. What's the big deal? But then again, I've changed. And I think some part of me would want this change to be sustained. True, no? But it's really hard to become the goodie-goodie girl everyone thought I am. Well, maybe I am. (HAHA, *smirks*)

Oh I forgot to mention. I had a mock exam (basically an end-of-unit test), a 50-mark question. I revised from 9.30pm till 1am yesterday. And my mom came into my room after she's finished her work asking me to not study till so late. (I've only seen this in dramas, I never knew it is gonna happen to me :'DD) And she said, it's just a mock exam. I was like. That's right. It's just a mock exam. I treated it like a real exam you know. I dont know.. I just feel that.. it's my first exam, and I dont wanna let my teacher down. I wanna show him that I can do this. I bet he expects me to get high marks anyway. And that is probably why i didnt wanna risk doing bad in the exam. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing the attention a teacher gives me. I think what Im feeling right now is that (i dont even know how to put it into words) I dont wanna make them feel as if they've expected the wrong thing from me. I wanna prove it that if they say I can do it, I can. I think this is getting a bit too complex. But then a good thing is, I've revised for this topic. So it should be alright to revisit it some time later and I'd still be able to understand it. A win-win situation! :) For the test, I wont say that it was a perfect answer, but I've revised, and I did what i could :D

I'm so glad that Geography and most importantly Law made my Friday so much better. (It's probably PMS you know -.- just realised haha). My favourite day is now Tuesday and Friday. But I like Friday more cs the Geography class is shorter :P

That's basically it! (I wanna write "I think I'm ready for the upcoming challenges!" but then I thought NAHH. I'll get into more troubles and feel more stressed lol)

Work experience.

Basically, I went there, and the solicitor who was in charge of this work experience thingy was't there. He went to the court.

So the receptionists asked me to have a seat before she could find something for me to do. I sat there for 30 mins, no one talked to me. And then I had stomach ache. How bad my day was.

After that the receptionist asked me to go upstairs to look for another solicitor and see if she needed me to do anything. I went upstairs, she was on the phone so I awkwardly stood outside for a couple of minutes. Another lady came out and asked me if I needed anything. I told her that I need to ask the solicitor whether she needed my help. She was on the phone, laughing so hard (i assume she wasnt doing her work). The lady told me that she didnt think the solicitor needed my help as she was on the phone. She looked around, and grabbed a legal textbook for me to research (ie make notes) on one of the issue. I was like, okay. And then when i went back downstairs, one of the receptionists went upstairs (i assume that she went to talk to the lady who 'gave some work for me to do'). When she came down, she whispered to another receptionist saying something like, "she went upstairs and stood there ...cant she stay on hold for 1 second and talk to the girl". Well, that was pretty embarrassing. Sigh. But then, at least I know that the receptionists didnt like the solicitor HAHAHA. I assume that. Sounds like it anyway. And then after a few minutes one of them came in and gave me a guillotine and a stack of paper to cut. Idk whether they really need me to cut it or they just want me to do something, but at least I had fun cutting the paper. I heard they said something like "SO MUH BETTER THAN THE KNIFE" and "it's gonna be in the bin anyway" (idk if they mean "they're gonna throw it away anyway so it didnt really matter if I cut it or not" or "they're gonna throw the paper away anyway so it's better to cut it and reuse them") i'll take the second one, at least to make myself feel better -__- haha.

So after that I really did make notes, and before I leave (i left early, cant stand staying at such awkward environment LOL) I returned the textbook to the lady upstairs. And she actually photocopied my notes .___. felt so bad 'cause i didnt really put my effort in for the last few points. but then i did make serious notes in the beginning tho. haha. just surprised that she took my notes away.

I'm actually quite reluctant to go there again next Thursday. But then I told the lady I'll be there next week when I was returning the book. Well, I'll go one more time next week and see if the person who is in charge is there. Cause my friend who went there yesterday afternoon actually did something productive. Like filing the papers, holepunching, picking up the calls (im scared for this tho), and organising stuff. If not, it'll be my last day next Thursday. I dont wanna waste my time sitting in the empty office doing nothing. I could've done so much things in school if I didnt go there. Initially I thought I'm gonna actually DO something. Be it holepunching or anything. i didnt even touch a holepunch today. -.- NOT EVEN A PIECE OF DOCUMENT. I DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN TO A LAW FIRM TODAY. I DONT FEEL LIKE IT HAS OPENED MY EYES ABOUT THE LEGAL WORLD. ALL I DID WAS CUTTING PAPERS. I actually wasted 1h 30mins of my life.

Actually I can only go for a day. That proved that I have done some work experience. I dont think they expect students to have long-term work placements. I dont even know why I planned to do it till Oct (Yes, END of Oct). It's FIVE more Thursdays. You know what. After next week, I might not go for it anymore. I'll see how it goes and discuss with my friends. I can apply for other things like Citizens Advice Bureau and Witness Support etc anyway. And I've still got one more year. So.

... is one day of work experience enough? I think it should be if I apply for other things. BTW NEXT YEAR I MIGHT BE DOING LAW MENTORING! i think it'll help me even more than this work experience thing -____-

Well, I'll count that as "Work Experience" (CHECKED)!

Glad.

HEY GUYS!

It's been a while (isnt it?) :D

I went to the Selwyn College Open Day at Cambridge today! It was actually really good.

2 of my law teachers brought us (2 AS students and I) there. It was a really tiring morning, having to wake up at 8.30am and i've had a medicine which made me feel so sleepy.

The people there were really welcoming and friendly! I thought Cambridge people (no offence) are a bit too posh for me to fit in. But today, everyone was pretty nice. The admission tutor has said something that makes up my mind. He said, even if we dont get admitted to the Uni, there's no big deal cause we're still gonna be in a really good uni out there. Which makes sense, really. But if we dont try, we never know.

So yeah. No extra pressure (there is actually), I might apply to the Uni next year and just get the experience!

So many things were clarified today. GCSE doesnt really matter to them, so I dont have to worry about my GCSEs anymore :D the thing is, i dont even know how Im gonna get 90% in my Law and Psychology. Im afraid that all these predictions are wrong. What if Im not as bright as they thought I am? But whatever it is, im still gonna work hard this year!

And the law tutor was saying how we shouldnt pick subjects like Dance and Photography, then my teacher was like asking the tutor if it's alright to pick new AS's, in other words, doing 3 years. And the tutor said it shouldnt be a problem etc etc.

Despite the amount of walking we've done today, it was a good good day. And i didnt have to catch the bus home :'D i have a blister on my foot :( imagine i have to walk home after catching the bus. horrible horrible.

and yesterday, im supposed to go to Oxford for this Law Open Day but no one could take me there so i didnt go. Mrs Flora was supposed to bring me there but no one could substitute her lessons.

I've got so much work to do THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

im so tired :(

GOOD DAY YO!

It's been a good day!

:)

Law was really fun today! I love my law class now :D as always. haha. despite the fact that we have so much homework. but oh well. that should be fine.

and um, I had Geography too. I wont say I like it, but I think it's alright. Pretty scared that I wont get the grade I want tho :( And in fact I did enjoy learning about the environment! So it shouldnt be a problem I guess.

I have so much homework! I had some from Psychology (not a lot), some from Geography and lots (as usual :P) from Law.

And my aim is to finish most of them this weekend so I dont have to rush it next week.

I quite like my school now. Haha. At least it's not as annoying as I thought it would be in the first few days.

I'll survive!

!

Sorry for sounding pretty depressing yesterday in my last post. Haha.

I'm alright now! And guess what, today is actually so so much better than yesterday! I'm happy today, and it's been pretty much a good day!

So this morning, I was a few minutes late to my form and my form tutor didnt say anything. Then the Head of Year 12 aka my former History teacher came in and check on our uniforms. And he asked me if my History lesson yesterday was alright. It's really nice of him, he didnt really have to ask anything and just let it be. Tiny little things like that can actually make my day a whole lot better. At least I know that someone cares.

After break, it was Additionality. It's basically those critical thinking, asking ourselves "where do we wanna be" and "how can we achieve it" etc. I didnt wanna go through all that again since I've done them last year so I gather my courage (you cant imagine how difficult it is) and went to ask the Head of Post 16 whether I can do my own independent study (partly cz my friends are all having free time, i really dont wanna stay in the class and do nothing, and i have work to do). and amazingly, surprisingly, unexpectedly, HE LET ME! He told me I can do my own stuff rather than going for Additionality :'DDD I was so so so happy! My friends and I thought he was going to be really mean and wont let me do it. But then one of my friends told me it's worth asking. At least I'll know for sure if he didnt let me. So glad that I actually asked him. Now I have the whole morning free and only Psychology in the afternoon.

So in the afternoon I had Psychology. It was better than I thought! No friends? Alone in class? Stuffy room? Scrap all that. I CAN survive. It's because last year, I didnt have friends (only Marcia) in the class as well, and I DID survive. it's better actually. At least I can concentrate more! But there are a few noisy people on the class. Oh well. But then I think there'll be at least one or two in every class. And then I sat by the door and window so that I dont feel as dizzy compared to the place where it's right at the corner of the class. I think I finally get what the quote WHEN THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY means. Although I still feel dizzy, it's better than not doing anything.

I only have 1 History lesson a week. So I have frees in every morning except for Wednesday. But that's alright. Basically I have 3.5 subjects this year. Haha. Oh and I figured out. I think im gonna carry on with Geography. Trying my very best to keep on track with this. I really hope I can get at least a B this year. There you go, optimism!

I used to dislike Thursdays last year. Because it was Additionality, Photography and Film Studies (So artsy crafty haha). Yup. I think I'm loving Thursdays now.

Hmm, the thing is, I have my frees with quite a few of my friends. Not that it's a bad thing. But it will mean that I might not be able to concentrate on my work. Last year, there're only Marcia and I, and we really got on with our work. Pretty boring, eh. Haha.

So yeah. That's pretty much how good my day is. And it's quite warm today! And I wore my new coat to school! And... and... and THERE'S LAW TOMORROW YAYYYY! I'm not expecting anything, dont worry. I'm just happy when there is law. haha. One more thing! Three of my friends actually wanted to revise law together! We chatted about staying in school on a day per week after school reopens to revise for law and I thought they were kidding.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be a good year! No. I will make this year a good year!

傀儡。

Hello guys.

It's the first week of school (I nearly written holidays, oh god)! Im not very happy with my school timetable you know. I just have no idea why everything tends to go so wrong when I was expecting something better. I didnt expect much you know. I just wished that I'm in the same Psychology and Law class and am allowed to study Geography and History. Is that too much to ask for?

Well, it probably is. 'cause apparently Im stuck in the afternoon Psychology class which is really stuffy and I dont even know most of the people there. Maybe God just wants to make this year tough for me. And when I thought "it's okay, just stay in the class!", all my friends decide to move to the morning class (my original class). What the hell is wrong? I cant move 'cause it's either I do Geog or Psychology in the morning. Both the subjects clash. I was like, why cant you move Geog into the afternoon block? They have a History group in the afternoon. Why cant they put History and Psychology in the same block? Now Im doing Geography by my own in a class of kids and Psychology alone.

It's like back to square one. Back to the very original position where I've always had to be on my own. Why must they do this to me? It's like, where are all my friends when I need them? My friends (4 of them) can just easily move to other class without caring about me. And then there's another friend who doesnt wanna join my class even tho she's alone in the morning class. Of course, Im not forcing her to move to my class. It's just that, why do i have to always be alone? I have feelings too you know. They didnt even bother telling me they're changing class. Oh. They actually did. One of them told me happily "We're changing class!", and I said "WE?" She was like, I dont know about you, but I am! What's that for? You dont have to brag you know.

Most of them just talk to me whenever they want help. To be precise, MY homework. I'm really hating school now. It just feels so strange to be there. Everyone feels like a stranger. Even my Psychology teacher. I dont know how Im gonna go through this year.

And then there's Geography. I havent got a clue about the subject. I dont know whether I can cope. I dont know whether it's too much for me at the moment. I dont even know how to answer a 3-mark question. The kids there are so playful. I dont even feel like I've learned anything today. I might actually drop out of this if I still struggle in these few weeks' time. Who cares how many traditional subjects I have anyway. I'll just apply to whichever Unis there are.

I talked to the Post 16 adviser about changing my Psychology class. And I told her that the room is really stuffy and it makes me dizzy, I cant even concentrate. I was speaking out the truth though. And she went "that's a shame if this is the reason." What shame? A stuffy classroom with one tiny window. It's the school's problem. You can spend some money and open another window. Dont blame me if I dont get a good result this year.

I tried to be so optimistic and positive, but there's always something that kills it. Now I dont see the point of going to school anymore (only for Law). I feel like dropping out of school. I'm so sick of everything in school. It's like I dont have true friends. Everyone just comes and goes whenever they like.

Maybe all this will change. Maybe I will feel better once everything is back on track. I must stop expecting things from school already. Im expecting too much. They dont even care anyway. Just doing whatever they think is fine. They wont even think about the problems we voice out.

For once, I cant wait to leave school.

Rants.

That's why they say: never, ever, expect.

I expected school to be real fun. I expected that this year is gonna be so much more awesome than last year.

So today I went to school to sort out my timetable. At 3.15. When all my friends were there at 10.

So I went there, and I saw my teacher. He was surprised to see me there. I was surprised to see him being surprised to see me there. And I told him that i was being asked to go there at 3.15. He told me that it was the Year 12s who are supposed to go there at 3.15. I could see the following things already.

So he brought me HALFWAY to see another teacher for my timetable. And I ended up meeting the Head of Year 12 (my history teacher woots) and he told me my form. And YEAP. IM IN YEAR 12.

IM IN THE FREAKING YEAR 12 FOR THE THIRD FREAKING YEAR. Im so freaked out, really. How on earth is that possible? But anyways. It's because I'm doing one more year for 2 AS's. That's why they make me stay in Year 12. Year 13s would be applying to Unis so it's irrelevant for me. I understand that it's for my own good. But i was really upset.

I dont like meeting new young faces already. I;m so tired of seeing new younger people. Kids. Not to be offensive. But they're like 15 turning 16. Why must they keep changing the environment? Challenging my adaptability. It's exceeding the limit, nearly. And I've got to see them every single morning in form time. Luckily it's the same form tutor as the last year. She's really nice. And she loves me cz I always help her to run some errands. Haha. So that should be fine.

I was really upset this afternoon. But then I thought: It was like this as well last year. I didnt know everyone (apart from 4/5 girls). I didnt even speak in forms. So it wont really make a difference to me. So what for being upset about it? Maybe it's better, cz i can do my work during form time. I'll just feel a bit lonely, but that should be fine. I've made it through last year anyway!

I was upset because I cant be with my friends during form time when all of them are gonna be in the common room together while im in my Year 12 room. But then again, i realised that it's not form time that makes school fun. It's the lessons! I loved last year because of the lessons, especially Law. So form time wont affect much I guess :)

So I looked for the teacher who's got my timetable. Talked to her and kind of got my timetable sorted. Well, at least Geog is in there, which means I dont have to do Eng Lit yay! Although History is not there, I dont think it's a big problem cz I have to do only one Unit so I can look for the teacher and see when he's got free time so he can teach me. But they've moved my Psychology class :( I liked that class tho. But then I'm gonna be with my friends still. So it's fine. Just a lil' bit upsetting. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THEY HAVENT CHANGED MY LAW CLASS. I WAS SO HAPPY. GLAD. RELIEVED. GRATEFUL. i'm still in the same law class :'D with my law buddy Aishah. That's enough. She's the one who sits next to me in lessons anyway. Haha. But sadly my other friend got moved to another class. she's so funny tho! I wonder if our class will still be as funny without her :( oh well. I hope Law lessons are still gonna be fun! Cz Law lessons are what makes school fun!

Honestly I didnt realise until im writing this that it was the Law lessons that made school fun.

But then again, I shall stop expecting. I dont wanna have my hopes high expecting that Law lessons will be a loooot of fun. Dont wanna drag myself down again. I was expecting too much. I'll just let it be. But I'll try to have a open heart and make sure I enjoy this school year!

That's basically it. I wonder who has the same frees with me?