벌써 힘들어

I made it!

It's a happy day :)

I said in my previous post that hopefully I would be able to update you good news, and here I am!

1) I GOT INTO WARWICK UNIVERSITY.

You have no idea how happy I was on results day and I still am! Didnt get the results I expected/hoped for but Warwick still took me so I'm so grateful! Woke up and slept and woke up and slept throughout the morning. Set my alarm for 8am but the gate next door woke me up at 5.30am. I WAS SO DEPRESSED. And I checked UCAS at 7.30am and BAM. "Congratulations!"

One thing I wanna say is thank you to everyone who supported me physically and mentally throughout the year till the last minute! I went to school and my teachers were like sorry you didnt get the grades you want. I didnt get to tell them that it's okay because they have done so much for me it's unbelievable. From my own subject teachers to the admin staff to the UCAS coordinator. Cant thank them enough. Geo teacher: I'm sorry you didnt get what you want and deserve but I'll make sure I know why if we get your paper back; Head of Y13+Psy teacher: YOU GOT INTO WARWICK? I feel like crying now; UCAS Coordinator (who doesnt even teach me, like seriously): OMG WELL DONE! We were close to phoning one of the Unis yesterday to let them know how good a student you are and why they should definitely take you when we looked at your results in case you didnt get in; Law teacher: I'm so glad that you're finally going to a top university doing something you really want to but it's so sad to see you leave (and she actually cried and made my mom cry too). Those words are still ringing in my ears. Their expressions. Their words, Everything. And then there are my friends, especially my clique in Malaysia. I didnt tell some of them because I was scared of how Results Day turn out but somehow they managed to find their way here (*wink wink* yup, Li Sien, if you're reading this hehehe 谢谢你 <3 真的.)

I always wonder if *cheesy* things were meant to be. Leaving Malaysia, coming to the UK (I still dont like it here), coming to this school (as much as I hate the kids there... I think... I wouldnt have "succeeded" if I didnt come here. I was such a bad student (haha still remember my D in Bio in Form 4) so I wouldnt even have thought to be able to study in one of the top universities in the UK and even meeting people from other countries!

I didnt (DIDNT) really see Warwick University as "a university I want to get into" because (putting the degree modules aside) it's a modern university, contrary to what I initially thought I want: traditional-looking uni in a pretty city. And nope, the city isn't pretty itself (personally). But somehow, somehow, it became my first choice and when I visited this for the Open Day, I have a weird feeling that this is somehow it. Sort of like.. I'm destined to be there. I actually had no choice but to go there anyways but I guess it's meant to be. Hahaha. There are a few factors I need to consider and Warwick seems to be it. So there you go. New chapter in my life has begun (or is beginning hehe). :D Can't wait!! I hope it's as good as I thought. I hope I wont hate people like I do right now. I hope I'll meet nice people whom I can communicate with (essential). I hope I'll love what I study and I hope everything goes well basically!Travelling would be an issue because I need to travel back and forth since I'm not staying on campus. I hope it wouldnt be too big an issue (it takes 1 1/2 hours T_T) but I'll let you know how it goes!

2) I LOST (not sure if I should publicise it because I'm gonna regret later but who cares) 0.5kg in a week!

Doesnt sound like a lot, eh? BUT IT'S ME. Hahaha. I have been 뚱뚱해 my whole life so losing weight is a great deal to me. Plus I'm having this medicine for my hyperthyroidism which has a side-effect of making people gain weight. So I'm crying right now, dont stop me. So eating less and exercising do help! I couldnt exercise rigorously like running (I pant after running for merely 10 seconds because of the stupid disease) so I do pilates! I dont really know if this is the cause because I only started last week (my previous post) but well I'll let you know if it actually is. I eat lesser too! Like, in the morning I just have 30g cereal (such a small bowl per the "recommended serving" -.-) + yogurt/fruit. Snacking on an egg/another fruit and green tea everyday. And have mom-cooked dinner as usual.

Actually... I'm wondering if my weighing scale is correct because I'm doubting it (it's this weird electronic one and my mom says she doesnt trust it) so if it's not I'm gonna cry. A different level of crying. I guess I'll know if it is correct or not when I go to visit the doctor again on 1st Oct. They have this chair that you sit on and it weighs you. Too cool. I dont care (I do, really) if I have lost any - I just dont wanna gain anymore. Life's hard, especially when you have one of the rarest disease in the world and you wonder WHY ME. I have this eye infection too and I couldnt find a solution to it and the eye drop is not working. IT'S SO ANNOYING CS I CANT WEAR CONTACT LENSES AND it keeps watering. It's been TWO friggin months.

3) I'm moving!
Not sure if this is a good news at the moment but at least my mom doesnt need to work in the kitchen anymore (it's really hard for her - her body is aching like literally everywhere) and I DONT HAVE TO BE IN THE SHOP. Let me explain this clearly: I am very willing to help but I've come to this state where I always have to think if my mom needs me when I go out and I feel bad when I do go out when she needs me so I end up not going. Or go but with guilt constantly washing over me EVERY MINUTE. Or when I'm halfway doing my homework or even typing this blog and the telephone RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS and I have to immediately stop every single thing I am doing at the moment to run downstairs. Not that I am not willing to help, it's just that it's getting annoying and ... annoying. But I'm just hoping that everything will get BETTER when we move although I have a bad feeling for it. Fingers crossed!

4) HOW CAN I FORGET THIS. THE ULTIMATE NEWS: I'M GOING TO KOREA NEXT YEAR. YES. YES. YES.
There was some planning issues but everything 已成事实 so I CANT WAIT! I hope it wont clash with whatever events there are gonna be like Running Man coming to Malaysia during my time in Korea because I'm gonna cry so bad.
---------------

Those are pretty much it. Heh!
Meant to be a short update but I realised that I should write down everything in my mind in case I forget about any of this in the future. Have you watched Inside Out? I suggest you do GO WATCH IT NOW. A film that cant be missed. I was expecting a comedy but wow this movie is so deep. One of the best ones from Disney I have ever watched. It is a light-hearted movie but... bring some tissue with you though.

Till then x

D-1

I cant stand this anymore T___T

Butterfly in stomach (in a bad way), rapid heartbeat, inability to concentrate. Because. It's D-DAY tomorrow. Results Day, in case you didnt catch that.

I've always said "Results Day need to be here already, cant handle all these emotions." But when it's FINALLY here, I'm... (pardon me) sh*tting myself.

I have never been that nervous in my life. Maybe I did but not recently. Maybe when it was PMR Results Day in Malaysia. And my AS-Level Results Day. I wasnt feeling this nervous last year and the year before. It's like 5 times the nervousness, maybe because this year matters. Our results seriously do matter this year because it's all-or-nothing. No more staying another year in high school to "pick another subject" or "retake" (for some people). Everything ends. It's either I get to a Uni I want to go to, or another choice. And for some reason, Warwick has become my very first since I've got no other choice except for this.

I need the two A's.

I have been frantically searching for the 2015 grade boundaries by my exam board. And calculate how many marks I need to get an A. Idk, I'm so scared. And I think being scared is an underestimation of what on earth I'm feeling right now. These two grades are gonna affect me, a lot. I honestly cant imagine going anywhere else other than Warwick. I seriously cant. I have been imagining myself being in that place. And I see happiness, albeit vaguely. At least I'm feeling something. I dont know what my life will be like if I cant go there. I dont know why I'm being like this. I did revise. But maybe I know that I didnt try hard enough. I did try though. I kept thinking about the stuff I wrote in the exams. I did answer everything. I felt confident, but when I overthink it, I'm scared that I read the question wrongly or wrote something that didnt deserve high marks.

I need a C in History to get and A overall. Looking at my progress, I think I can. But at the same time I'm not sure. This happened when I did my AS Film Studies exam. I thought I did well but I got a C in the exam, making it a B overall because of my coursework. But, you see, things could go wrong. And I dont want that Domino effect to occur.

I probably wont be able to sleep tonight. We can check our UCAS Track at 8am tomorrow. I'm thinking to wake up early via alarm so I can check it right away. But at the same time I wanna get sufficient sleep. But then again, I might not even be able to sleep. So idk. The nervousness will probably be 100x more than what I'm going through right now. It feels like my heart is falling out of my chest. I feel like crying. The stress is real.

The worst thing is, I actually am preparing for the worst. I have never ever been like this before! I'm looking at another Uni just in case, but I really wanna be confident and not go that far to choose another Uni.

I seriously cant think.

I cant watch my k-variety show, I cant.. think.

Less than 17 hours. Oh, at least I can still count. Ha-ha-ha.

Wish me luck you non-existent guys.

Thank you.

I hope I'll be writing some good news the next time I update this blog.

I started Pilates!

08/08/2015

I'll update later, just wanna note down the start date somewhere so I can look and see the outcome on 1/10/2015 when I have my health checkup :)

People always do things that I cannot tolerate.

And IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Instead of thinking about the bad things that could happen to you, think about the bad things that could have happened to you, but didn't. Maybe... just maybe, you will feel better.

:)

;

I dont know what to dooo.

It feels like holiday has started but I still go to school to work. I think I'll be jobless in the end of next week since school officially closes and I wont be "summoned" anymore. I'm fine with that though, the feeling of doing something is good but at the same time, I just wanna really chill and relax in this summer. I wont say I regretted asking school for a job but it's quite big of a commitment, I guess. Dont think I'll ever be ready for work. Even in the future. Well. After exams, I didnt really get to lie in in the mornings like how holidays are supposed to be. And it's sooooo tiring. Mentally exhausted. I cant imagine how my mom survives through these "morning calls", literally. Having to wake up early to drop us off to school.Thank goodness it's ending next weekend. She can finally have a break!

But then again, when I actually stay at home everyday... I think I'll be restless and have no idea what to do. Remember I listed "drama/variety shows marathon" in my to-do list? It's not working out. I got bored after watching Emergency Couple in three days. I was so hyped up about it and love the beginning so much but idk I felt like I couldnt stick to one thing. And then there's Infnite Challenge. I have watched all the post-100 episodes. And for Running Man, it's either starting for episode 1 all over again (which was my initial plan waaaay before exams but couldnt seem to do it because starting means the beginning of an end; what can I do after watching all the episodes then? Plus I dont feel like watching the first episodes yet, for some reason...). So yeah all this emptiness is creeping into my everything. Life, basically.

Oh did I mention that my A-level results are out in ONE MONTH AND THREE DAYS' TIME? I'm scared. Really scared. Warwick Uni is my only choice and... I need to get the two As they want. I dont know where else to go if... Let's not talk about that. I'm really scared because I think I've done quite well but sometimes good feelings post-exams are the worst. I remember feeling confident about this exam and got a B for it. And that's really scary. What if I misunderstood the question? Especially Geo's 40 marker. What if my History coursework isnt A after being moderated? Can someone... please save me..

I have one more thing to write about but I forgot what that was.

I REMEMBER NOW. Driving.

Well, I started learning how to drive in February and I feel like I'm not even ready for my practical test. Not that I have booked one, it's the fact that I am not moving (at all) towards that direction. I, myself, is to blame though. I dont know why I cant seem to pick up the skills, eg preparing to moveeee. I keep stalling. So annoyed at myself! Plus my instructor isnt all that professional, you know. I expected better because he taught my friend and she passed so quickly! I think I had too much hope on myself... yeah I know that... but anyways. He is always busy and cancelling on me, never stick out lesson to a specific time because he has another job. Being a driving instructor is his part-time job, basically. And yeah. I thought since it's holiday I would have double lessons a week but now it's like having one lesson in two weeks. Oh and my theory test is on 28th July. Havent touched the book/learned anything. Wish me luck because I'll definitely need that on the day.  just hate revising now. Books, books, books. And people, people, people. Pretty sure I'm developing phobias of them right now. And frankly, all this is beginning to get on my nerves.

OH HOLD ON driving was one of the things I wanted to talk about but the actual thing that I forgot was.. I'm moving! I think. Mom said the lawyer told the seller that legal procedures are gonna take another (yes, another) two-three weeks. Which means that we're slowly drifting away from this shop-house. I would say that I'll miss this place though. Definitely. Despite all the spiders, some-scary-wall-banging-bugs, moths, dust, coldness-during-the-winter, I-cant-revise-because-its-too-loud-downstairs, stupid left-door neighbours, I would miss this place. Afterall, I have been here for four years. Four years. Cant believe I'm actually getting used to (some parts) of this place. The nice environment, short distance to my friend's house, easy accessibility to school/city centre (this point is seriously no joke), a post office two streets away, and an off-license store just next door (our nice neighbour!), all of these tend to override the negative stuff. But I just dont wanna be in this house anymore. My heart aches everytime I see my mom's aching body and I'm not good enough to patiently care for her. I mean, obviously I do help her but sometimes, things get out of hand and I couldnt even manage to solve my own problems, let alone my mom's! Things are ending, and I can only hope that new beginnings would be more satisfying although I dont feel good about it at the moment. Things would change drastically too. And it's like going back to Day One: the "let's get used to this again" situation. But hey, we should be a little bit more optimistic! (It's the time... I'm getting sleepy and thus a bit depressed hahaha).

Just realised that I wanted to tell you this as well. I need to start noting down things I want to say because I always end up forgetting about them! Hmm how do I put this into words. Basically, for prom, I plan to wear this cream lace top with plain red skirt, and so I thought red lipstick with minimal eye makeup would be nice. I bought this (used by accident T_T) red lipstick and I FELL IN LOVE (not really hahaha). I didnt glide it through my lips, just dots and then swipe it with my finger it looks tinted (if you get what I mean) Hahaha. I makes my face looks so much more refreshed without those cakey foundation and panda-eyed eyeliners. Sorry, that's a bit stereotypical but at the moment I just couldnt be bothered with those full-on makeup so I'll just stick to applying lipsticks! AND. The most important part!!! I saw this lip tint online and I FELL IN LOVE. LIKE PROPER. It's Banila.co's it Moist Seoul Tint in #2 Jihyo Pink. Yeah Jihyo :B :B :B The fact that it says Jihyo *ahem* was the reason I came across this lipstick but I really love it not because of that - THE COLOUR IS SO LOVELY. I have been looking for this colour since ages ago AND YES. FINALLY. This made my day (it came today through the post hehe)! It's this coral-ish pink and it's so pretty. This would be the one I'm gonna use frequently (if I dont forget when I leave the house) and yup. I am happy. That's all matters :D

Anyways, it's time to watch the tv with my mom (at 0033; see how sad my mom's life is? Working 12 hours a day and finishing at 12am on Friday and Saturday because of the shop).

It was meant to be a short post because I was feeling a bit blue haha but yeah things never fail turn out differently. I have work tomorrow!

Last but not least, HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY RUNNING MAN.

사람해요! 시간을 함께 걷자!

credits: RMDoodle

(I just realised now that the pic shows a "5" hahaha after looking at it since the afternoon)

Dear RMDoodle, your drawings are forever so detailed and sweet and perfect! Thank you for drawing for so many years too!

Ending the post with RM makes me happy <3 :B

Goodnight, and have a nice day <3

"Memories are memories. Memories have no power."

- Kim Samsoon 

Those wrong decisions you make in life...

I just realised that when I came to the UK, I deleted my old blog. Which was full of memories. Full of everything I did in the past 8 or so years. Why am I so stupid? I cant believe that I actually deleted that. I thought it was a cool decision. To delete everything from the past and 'start afresh.' To those who are planning to do the same thing, don't. You will regret this decision. Because you would not be able to remembers all those things that had happened in the past but were not stored in your mind anymore. Because you wont be able to recall the goods and bads that shaped your life.

This could be the sign to tell me that I actually need to move on; the past is in the past. (Maybe singing Let It Go would make me feel better. I'm joking, it wouldn't)

Obviously I need to move on BUT I DONT WANNA ERASE EVERYTHING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING because there are times I feel like looking back at those bittersweet memories and remind me that life works that way.

Seriously though WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING?!

만약에...

I CANT WAIT FOR AUGUST/SEPTEMBER TO COME!

Because my bestfriend and schoolmate(s) are coming to the UK! Finally, someone I can actually talk to and is a good listener. Someone I can confide in. Without interrupting me and actually tried to look for a solution to my problems and most importantly someone I can count on. HAN SHUET LING WE NEED TO HANGOUT ASAP BECAUSE I MISS YOUR VOICE YOUR JOKES YOUR LAUGHTER AND EVERYTHING. Of course I miss every single one of you in Malaysia too! I WILL BE BACK! Please wait for me in a year's time. Please.

I hope things would go smoothly for us because I dont want anything to drift our best-friendship apart but I will make sure nothing ever does! I really miss you so much T_____T and I have SO MUCH to tell you! I. Seriously. Cant. Wait.

//

原来，
我在你的世界，
比尘埃更渺小。

Why did I even think fairytales exist in this freaking world?
That's just pure stupidity.

So, at the end... he has found someone.

I'm so sorry for interrupting your life and whatever you were doing.

Wake up call.

So... today I made a significant decision in my life, or what I thought was significant.

I found out that there is a need to know that something fade, and six years are a big deal. It was such a big gap that I could not fill in even though I tried. I really did try. But I realised that between these six years, people grow up, be more mature and may even forget how we used to be like. Things change, and people are not the same anymore. Priorities changed, dreams changed.

On one hand, I regret my stupidity and my unnecessary actions, the so-called bravery.

But. On another hand, I'm glad that I had the bravery to sort things out within myself. Things that have been left hanging... I think I've got the answer to the question that has been in my mind for years.

I guess it's time to move on?

I'm slowly being mentally prepared for this.

Holiday OFFICIALLY STARTS.

GUYS. CAN U FEEL HOW HAPPY I AM? I HAVE FINISHED MY EXAMS. Just started last Monday and I was on the verge of giving up Yesterday because I had enough of books and papers and facts and figures. Words, basically. Lots and lots of it.

I can't contain my happiness of being able to NOT memorise anything I had my eyes on in my lesson because that is just stress on my brain. Seriously.

Last week, (that seems so far away but it was only) when I wrote the last COLD WAR words, I nearly cried. Of happiness. Today, just now, I was writing the last word (I forgot what haha) and it was a relief, but sad at the same time. Everything officially ended. High school. Film Studies, Psychology, Photography, History, Geography. No more stress until 5th October (Let's just hope I get into Warwick like I'm praying). I will miss Geography lessons though. It's like, I didnt do much in Geo lesson but I enjoy it. People are nice. At least there are people in the lesson. <s>Unlike History.</s> Haha. Sorry, cant get over it. But I will, dont worry. BECAUSE IT'S HOLIDAY!!!

It still feels so surreal. A bit lost... What am I gonna do without studying? But then I will get used to it because it's like a loooooooooooong weekend.

I was wondering what I should start doing, and I thought I'll update in here.

I have so many plans!! Like I have listed in my previous post, I need to make sure I do those. And I had a few things in mind before this but I forgot about it. Seriously though, I need to start noting things down because I keep forgetting things.

I still go back to school btw. That's why it feels like I'm still in school at the same time. Just without lessons. Haha. Oh yeah, I hope I can lose some fats this way. Catch the bus to town, walk to school. Walk to town, catch the bus from there to home. The distance is about 20 mins. And eat less. Let's hope these work out. Oh and pilate too..

I need to clean up my room!
Oh yeah I wanna cut my hair short. Shoulder length. Because long hair is a bit annoying now. Too much shampoo, too much conditioner, too much time needed to dry it. And it feels so heavy. And flat. Basically those.

At the moment (this week), I have Warwick Open Day to go to tomorrow, and then Superwoman fan meeting with my friends, and dentist and doctor appointment. Oh yeah and driving lesson. Yup. Productive, isn't it? I'm soooo tired right now that I just wanna stay home and relax ALL DAY. With no school, no outings, no helping out in the shops, nothing. 'Cause these two weeks or so, I have been revising (or at least waking up to the thought of "omg I need to revise today. How many hours can I chill but also being able to finish my revision?" and "should I revise in the evening or I wont be able to because the shop might get busy?").

So yeah. I cant wait to meet new NICE people and actually enjoy whatever I choose to do. I hope the Korean Society would not discriminate me because I am so joining that.

That's all for now, I guess?

I guess I'll start my drama-marathon and variety-show-marathon now!!!

나 진짜 이상한 가족이 있어.

I had SO MUCH to talk about but I was looking up on Google to make sure that my title was written correctly (couldnt find it so I'll let that be). So I was googling that until I saw some Kpop videos (HAHAHA) and now... I dont feel like writing so bye.

Ps. Basically what I was trying to say is ppl in my family are really weird and yes I guess I'm gonna turn abnormal too bye.

이상한 가죽...

가 고 싶어.

To-do list.

HELLO GUYS. I'M BACK :D

I just wanna write my to-do list down before I forget anything. Haha. As you may have guessed (maybe not), SUMMER IS FAST APPROACHING AND I CANNOT WAIT. CANNOT. AT ALL.

Cant believe school is "over"!! Well, I have to go back for the lessons because I have exams but THREE MORE WEEKS AND I'M A FREE ELF. Just keep holding on, See Kee! What's annoying me that I foresee myself being criticised by my History teacher again on this coming Monday's lesson. I really wanna skip the lesson but I would be in trouble since my exam is on the following Monday. I dont mind criticisms, but I just hate being put down, especially when my exam is in a week's time. WHY WOULD YOU LOWER MY SELF CONFIDENCE AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE IDK SOMETHING? I'm gonna hold this grudge till forever. So yeah. I hate him. AND. THE BEST THING THAT IS GONNA HAPPEN IS THAT. I. DONT. HAVE. TO. GO. TO. HISTORY. LESSONS. ANYMORE. Can you feel how happy I am already?!! Cant wait. OMG YES my last moments with History is on 8th June. As much as I should be scared that my exam is so near, I AM SO GLAD ABOUT IT.

Anyways. Cant contain my happiness. Sorry. Hehe. My to-do list:

1. Dye my hair :D To red or dark purple or going back to the boring dark dark dark chocolate because I cant be bothered to maintain it, idk. It's just really ugly right now and I cant stand it any longer.
2. Cut my fringe! I wanna try it during the holiday (after prom) in case I mess up. Haha. Yes. I'm cutting it myself so let's hope I wont mess it up! Worst case scenario: pin it up all the time.
3. Join a gym and yoga class. Lose weight, basically. I'm seriously serious about it right now. After moving house (YES I'll update about it next time) I'm gonna stop eating supper and ramyun (NO T__T) and all the fattening stuff. Wish me luck! Haha. This is really important because 1) I'm going to Uni so cant look any fatter, 2) It's summer (duh), 3) I'm going back to Malaysia and maybe to Korea (high probability) as well!!! CANT WAIT.
4. I wanna volunteer at something but I'm not sure yet. Most likely not to be able to because of time (look at my to-do list... haha).
5. Go to my cousins house and stay for a couple of weeks xD
6. Prom and Colour Run!
7. Make sushi at my friend's house.
8. GO OUT. Just go out freely. With no "Omg I need to go home to help out in the shop" or "Shit I have homework for tmr" or "I need to revise" or "I can only go out after school at 4pm." EVERYDAY WILL BE SATURDAY.
9. Continue painting!! (See, I nearly forgot about this).
10. Read the books I bought but never had a chance to read (but I dont think I will 'cs I have so many (omg yes I also nearly forgot about this) dramas and variety shows to watch :'DDD
11. DRAMA AND VARIETY SHOW MARATHON. I'm watching Infinite Challenge right now so RUNNING MAN... 기다려!!!
12. Idk why I'm writing this here but I need a hulahoop and dumbells.
13. WATCH INSIDE OUT. I hope I can understand without the subtitles in UK cinemas. Wish me luck, guys.
14. BBQ. BBQ. BBQ. *cries*
15. Learn a new dance! (I learned one hahaha but I didnt do it seriously so maybe I can fix it during the summer :D)
16. to be finished.

I can only think of those right now and I need to revise (for stupid History) so okay bye!

It was my birthday! :)

Yesterday.

It was my birthday. Remember how I said I didn't put it up on Facebook? Yup, not many remembered.

But then! The important ones did :D And I think that's enough. Forget the meaningless ones, I got really heartwarming messages from my closest friends ever! Of course I never expect them to forget. But the messages + songs (yup) were really funny and sweet at the same time. Anddd! My brother got me this medium sized teddy! For the first time ever, the teddy's head is bigger than mine! How cute. He's so annoying but I think he grew up and pretend to be changed to have a "kind" image. Haha. I spoke to my besties from Malaysia via Whatsapp, and I also webcam-ed with my besties (I have loads haha)! They made my life so much better. Seriously. WHICH IS WHY I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK NEXT YEAR!!!

That aside, I felt pretty lonely though. Sigh. I stayed home all day. Well, I did go out for an hour to get something with my mom but that was it. It was actually my plan to stay home all day 'cause I thought I would enjoy it. But I didn't. I think partly it's because of the fact that this is the first time ever I did not celebrate it with anyone. In Malaysia, everyone was always at home so I was never by myself. This time, my mom had to work in the shop from afternoon till night (that sucks, I know) and there was no school. I could have gone to school for revision, but nope. No revision on my birthday (just an excuse to not feel guilty for not revising on a Saturday tbh haha). I am grateful though. At least nothing went wrong. Plus, I watched Infinite Challenge and Running Man all day :B Talking about this, I watched the Chinese version of RM and it really pissed me off. My mom was like, shall we watch this? and I went "why not since I can watch Jongkook" BUT NO. There was no point. At all. The movie, I mean. Yes, they made a movie out of this and everyone was acting (aside from JK cs he didnt even know what they were on about hahaha only in his world examining the hints). The actors/actresses were crying and stuff and my brother and I were there like "what?" Very, very annoying. Apart from JK's scenes, I pretty much wasted 1h 15m of my life on that.

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my previous post (where I wanted update you about my life haha). I got hyperthyroidism. And I'm really, really sad. Apparently it is a life-threatening disease. My worry is not about that, because it was diagnosed anyways and if it's treated now then it would be okay. But.. I'm gonna gain weight eating the medicine T___T That is like one of the worst things ever. I really wanna start exercising for a start, and I cant because it is gonna strain my heart. Second, I AM ALREADY... fat. How far am I supposed to go -.- Either way, no worries, I'm not gonna avoid having the medicine because of this, of course. But yeah. "My life sucks." That pretty much sums up everything.

And to make things worse, exams in three weeks and I still haven't started hard-core revision till the extent that I am freaking out. I never felt this bad. But I just have no motivation. At all. Especially for History because I know that even though I worked hard for it, all I get from that will be criticisms. I really wanna skip lessons too but it will be "my fault for not turning up to lessons if I don't get my target grade." Freaking hell.

As much as I hate it, I still have to do my History essay. Now. So.. bye! Wish me luck! Not for exams. For tomorrow because I have a History lesson tomorrow with the teacher who has worse moodswings than us girls (yes, he's a guy) when we're on our period. Seriously, no one can beat that.

너에게 나 하고 싶었던 말

고마워 미안해.

Hello guys! Yes, I'm back :) I re-created the background of my blog, if you haven't noticed. Just wanted a change, that's all.

So.

So many things have been going through my life. I'm finishing my A-Levels. Leavers' Day is on next Friday. It's a day where we all 'gather' everything in Sixth Form and we officially leave school. Officially. Well, except for the fact that we still have to go to school for revision classes/lessons for our exams. My last one is on the 19th June. I have been ranting on how much I hate school and how depressing it is to be there. But when I have my last Photography lesson, when I was pretty reluctant to stick the last piece of work into my book, I realised that everything is ending. Everything. And I actually feel sad. No more rushing to school, no more being in forms, no more lunch times with my close friends, no more nice food from the canteen (hahaha (I'm serious though) ), no more... idk. It doesn't seem like I had good memories because this year is really, really tiring. But. I think I will miss school. A lot. It's so hard to put this in words because 1) I really hate school because of History. Yes, specifically History. I detest it. I'll come back to that later. 2) Except for History I think I enjoy school. 3) I think it's because it's time to step out of my comfort zone and see the world.

I think 3) is the most complicated thing ever because, on one hand, I CANT WAIT TO GO TO UNI. But on the other, what if I don't like it? What if I (still) hate people? I'd be depressed my whole life. But then again, I THINK I'LL ENJOY IT. Hahaha.

It's my last day being 19 by the way. Yup, I guess this made me wanna write something on the blog because.. idk, I feel like it :) Can't believe I'm stepping into my third decade already. Time flies so quickly that I don't even know what I did yesterday. I went to New York last April and it felt like it was last month. I went back to Malaysia last July and, yup, it felt like it was last month too. It's things like these that make me sad. You grow older, and people around you grow even older. I don't mind about my age. But I realised that my parents are ageing so quickly too and it makes me so sad. My cousins are like a few years older than me and it's already their turns to get married! No more playful times. I miss the old days so badly. I miss playing Power Rangers with my cousins. And pretending that we had our naps by messing up our hair. Hahaha we were so cute back then. They are like my real siblings. My older brothers and sister. I wish I had an older brother. It's wishful thinking but seeing my friends' brothers take care of them.. I wish I have one too.

30 more minutes.

Talking about History. let me tell you why I hate it so much. 1) I don't get it. 2) One of my teacher is annoying. It's either he hates me or he is just a prick. Basically, I don't understand the topics and when he quizzed me, he had a go at me for not knowing stuff and he "shouldn't be telling (me) what he tells his Year 11 kids." That is the biggest insult ever. Then he went to my History teacher, making him ask me "Have you bee revising?" Okay. I don't mind it if I actually didn't work hard for it and stuff, but I DID. I tried. But nope, I'm stupid so I should be told off. He was like "My Year 11s have not been doing well in their assessments. I'm gonna have tell them off later." And I was there like. What? You scold kids for not doing well. God knows how much the kids will love you AND the subject. Plus, it's History.

Okay. Rant over.

Back to the proper things. I logged in and I saw some updates on my bestfriends' blogs. Some are happy and some not-so-happy. I just wanna tell them that.. I'm here! Not gonna be much help but I am a good listener... I guess. Hehe :)

Friendships are so weird. There are some people who have known you for ages but you end up finding that they are not your true friends but there are also some who have only known you for a few years but you're like BFFLs. I have both! -youknowwhoyouare- -winkwink- ;) I just wanna say thank you though. Thank you for putting up with me and not giving up on me when I get (really) annoying sometimes. I dont really. Hahaha. No, seriously. And sorry for anything wrong I have done! You know I dont mean it, right? It's so weird because it's like I'm talking to an imaginary friend hahaha but whoever is reading it.. you get what I mean.

15 more minutes.

I aim to finish this before 12am. Because I dont wanna drag it over into the next day. I'm OCD like that :B Well, before this I thought of so many things to talk about, but when I open Blogger, I ended up customising my blog layout hahaha one hour gone. I was watching Running Man before I thought of writing a post. So, this year, there's no birthday celebration, no birthday cake, no anything. I just wanna lay in my bed and have a Running-Man-marathon or Infinite-Challenge-marathon.. or a bit of both. Haha. But then I think my mom wants me to go to the Nike factory store with her to by my brother's stuff. So I guess.. there goes my plan. Plus, it's a Saturday so I'll have to help out in the shop anyways. I cant wait to have a proper birthday celebration. Proper as in having some me-time, not with a bunch of people whom I dont even talk to. Well, things don't go your way the whole time so might as well accept it.

Strangely, I feel excited. Haha. I do feel excited about my birthday, but always ended up... being disappointed? Not till that extent but, idk, maybe I expect more. But expect=disappointment. I understand that equation though. Hehe. It's time to find out who the real ones are though, 'cause my birthday is not displayed on my Facebook profile so no one would be notified. I'm not saying that they aren't real because they forgot/didn't know about it, but still, I guess that makes a bit of difference. Just saying :)

I guess this post nicely, although not perfectly, wrapped up the things I wanna say/that happened in the past year (as in, from last May or so).

Lastly, I really, really wanna say..
三姨，我爱你。 你还好吗？我很想你。

Goodbye, guys!

Edits: I FORGOT ABOUT MY EXAMS. WELL, I DIDNT ACTUALLY BUT WISH ME LUCK CS I'M GONNA NEED IT. THANKS IN ADVANCE. BYE!

And. Happy Birthday to me! :D

:D