The last day of being 17.

I didnt plan to write this. But it just comes to me.

So. Many things have happened over this whole year, since the 16th May of 2012 till 15th May 2013. I shall make this year memorable. I mean, actually I cant make it memorable, cz it's the way it is. It's the last day of me being seventeen! Im gonna turn 18 next year, it's such a big number.

There are things/events that have made me happy, feel very appreciated, feel useful, and also things that made me sad, disappointed and feel extremely lost. I dont think I can remember all of the events, but certainly, there are a few which are nailed in my brain and i think they will stay there for the rest of my life. Haha not really, but at least for the rest of my high school (part 2) year.

I actually am a different person now compared to who i was on the 16th May 2012. Back then, I have no worries, no responsibility, no burden, and no whateveryoucanpossiblythinkof. But now - WHEN IM GONNA HAVE MY LAW AND HISTORY EXAM NEXT WEEK- I'm a much more mature person. Mature as in, mature. Hahaha. not old. I still look as young as ever okay. :B but seriously. I dont fool around anymore, i dont leave my exam as it is (as in, not bothering to revise), i dont let my mom do all the house chores/shop work all by herself, i dont hope to aim for low grades in exam. (can you see how everything links to exam? sorry, but exams' next week and im here typing my last-day-of-being-17 post). I start to think about the future, which university im going to further my studies, where i see myself in the next 10 years.

This is gonna be a really long post, but whatever.

I had a talk with another Law teacher (i swear i have too many Law teachers. ahaha). So she told me her experiences. It was a reassuring talk. Because she's gone through quite a similar situation as me. I used to think that she hates me (HAHA) but not anymore. I'm still laughing. haha. It started off with her asking me whether is it because of my age that I work really hard for whatever i need to achieve? I didnt realise actually. Is it because of my age? Im actually 1 or 2 years older than my friends/classmates. Maybe, maybe that's the reason that i work really hard. Because I dont have anymore time to waste. I dont have another year to waste. People need to realise that the real world is cruel, and be realistic. You cant just flop all your A Levels exam and expect to get a good job out there. I cant afford that. I dont know why i'm going on about, but my point is, i have no more time to waste. Look, i need to stay another year in this school (not that i hate it) and imagine me *touch wood* having to retake the exams, increasing the burden i've already got on my shoulder. Cant even imagine that.

Like i said in the few of my previous posts, I really did enjoy this year more than last year. I have more friends, and i like how we are getting closer. I CAN SEE US BEING GOOD FRIENDS IN THE COMING YEAR(S)! :D At least *aherm* we dont have the generation gap. HAHA. really. I used to think that i wont fit in in this school, or rather, this country. But im starting to like this school :) we have nice teachers and funny friends. I really enjoy going to school. Last year, to be honest, i dreaded going to school. This year, i love to stay in school because, school is always a better environment to study (look at what im doing now, what a strong evidence). And maybe i have more confidence in school. This year, i feel more appreciated. Like, i actually exist. You wont know this feeling if you've never go to another side of the world before. I miss my family, my friends in Malaysia.

Also, MY ENGLISH HAS IMPROVED :DDDD i really want to thank my teachers and friends for this. I'm really thankful that they're willing to correct me when Im wrong. honestly, i'd be very glad that you tell me what's wrong than let me carry on with that error. For example, my Film Studies teacher (one of the teachers who I'll definitely miss) who would yell "ASHLEIGH. YOU "TAKE" IT HOME, NOT BRING," when i said "Ms, can I bring this home please?" :B it was one funny moment. And my friend who will laugh my English off when i pronounce something wrongly. I enjoyed the teaching and learning process :)

And i got to study something i love! Like Law and Psychology! I did enjoy Photography and Film Studies sometimes, but i feel that those are the subjects to be 'enjoyed' (literally). Not to mention History first because I still dont really know where I'm at at the moment. But this year has been fairly good! Better than last year! When you like a subject, you'll eventually learn better! totally agree! :) im so glad that I did Law and Psychology. My favourite subjects :) i did enjoy the other two. but i feel that it's time to let go. I'll miss the lessons tho! Producing B&W photographs in the darkroom and watching horror films and King Kong together with the teachers :) It was a nice experience really. I mean, if you let me choose again (as in, i still dont know what going on on the first day of school), i'd still pick these two subjects. at least the teachers are lovely! :) But on one side, i'm very grateful that my law teacher (again haha) told me what's wrong with my subjects, what i should do to avoid me being in a disadvantaged position, and reassuring that i can do better in my studies :) Sigh, compared to last year, studying something i have little interest in made me feel so sick of school. I'd skip school whenever i could :P but now, i feel silly really. cz i wont skip school unless i really cant go to school. I broke my record. I've never ever missed any Law or Psychology lesson before :D I missed and am going to miss Law electives tho :( Because of the exams.

Let me see what i found out about myself. So. I found my passion (Law! :B), I actually like teaching (kind of, like those friends discussion), I think I have a slightly over-dominant superego (some psychology stuff heehee), I'm too nice sometimes, I have quite a good memory, I'm actually more worthful (does this word even exist? -.-) than i thought i am, I'm more mature, I see things differently and most of all, i'm a different person!

There are so many things I still wanna type out in here. But im lost at the moment. Im still so worried about my exams ugh but im still here typing this -___-

Sometimes, I'm really grateful that I have the opportunity to be in this country. I have the best education i can possibly have, with the teachers being really helpful and supportive! Im really grateful.

However coming here has made me lose too many things. I lost my Aunt, she could've waited for us to go back before leaving this world. She could've waited for us. I still cant accept the fact that she's gone forever. She left this world exactly three weeks before my Psychology exam in January. Dont worry Auntie, I'll make you proud. I promise I will.

It's such good self-reflection moment. I shall do this every year. and please make sure that i dont delete this blog in the near future. I cant believe im turning 18 in less than one and a half hour. this is such a big number. 18. 18. 18. I wonder how it feels like tmr. I hope it's gonna be a good day. Somehow, i feel that it's gonna be different compared to last year. At least, I feel less lonely! And you how that feeling when your newly-met friends remember your birthday. ngawwww. thanks guys. for keep reminding me that it's my birthday tomorrow. Haha. they even started to remind "it's your birthday next week!" when i didnt even realise it, thanks to my exams. All of a sudden, im hungry. HAHA. im hungry, man. but anyways, thanks guys for remembering :) it's really heartwarming. :3

Not to forget to mention my dearest Li Sien and Michelle who wished me happy birthday when it strikes 12 in Malaysia. Love you guys!

TOMORROW IS GONNA BE SUCH A GREAAAT DAY MAN! I HOPE IT DOES TURN OUT GREAT! CZ, NOT TO MENTION MY BIRTHDAY, I HAVE LAW FROM 9 TILL 7.30- WHOLE DAY! LIKE, LITERALLY WHOLE DAY! (excluding break and lunch) FUH, INTENSE REVISION GOING ON! probably the best gift i'll have for tomorrow. haha. thanks school.

Okay then I shall revise for the mock tomorrow! Oh and i forgot to mention that i had my first exam, Film Studies exam today! 1.30 till 4pm. SO TIRED. wrote uncountable words for 2 and a half hours. and i hurt my hand. serious. you should try writing 9 pages of essays in 2.5 hours. such great sense of achievement! :B it's slightly better than i thought, but i hope i can get a good grade in this although im dropping it.

oh anyways i really need to go and get some food ahahahaha tata! 1 hour and 15 minutes left! Happy birthday to me! <3

ps. overwhelming sense of guiltiness. i didnt revise outside of lesson time today! *cries*