Really really motivated.
So i spoke to Mrs Westwood about my 'future' already.
However complicated it may seem, the chat did open myself up a little. It was
quite funny tho, the chat. Cz it was my other Law teacher Mr Iqbal who made her
do this. haha.
So we started off saying which Uni i wanna go and stuff,
and it all went back to the issue of "why not try applying to
Oxbridge?"
Sometimes i wonder, don't the teachers think they're having
too high expectation of me? What if i disappoint them? Bear in mind that my
exam results are coming out on the 15th August SHOOOTTT. so scared.
But then again, like what Ms has said, if i keep thinking
that i cant do it, then surely i wont be able to do it.
It felt funny having that chat. Or weird, i should say.
Maybe it's just that im not used to having one-to-one talk with teachers.
She told me lots of thing. And i told her that I am
actually an average student in Malaysia (she laughed, you know HAHA and said
she wanna take her words back [she was joking]) and her reaction was funny. Idk
whether it's a good or bad reaction (that's how bad it is) but i think it
doesnt really matter.
Im worried that i cant cope with 4 subjects next year with
all the exams in June/July :( I really wanna do well in Law and Psychology.
I actually told Ms that i might think about applying to
Oxbridge if i get my results next summer because i'll know what my Alvl grades
are before i apply. But then she;s quite shocked because it's gonna be quite
late to think about applying because if, lets say, i really get A* in my
results and suddenly wanna apply to both the Unis, i will have no time to
prepare.
I told her about my studies in Malaysia, i think she looked
quite worried.. haha idk, maybe she thinks: what if all these are pointless? I
had to admit that im actually quite dumb (which, maybe, i shouldnt have :P) in
Malaysia. ahahha. cz it's hard to see yourself when you're with a bunch of
clever friends, you see :P haha.
Maybe i should start to really think about it. But i always
feel that all these are beyond my capabilities. Idk... actually, the chat didnt
really ease my thoughts. There's still a lot of things going through in my
mind, and i didnt really open up as much as i thought i would be. I think i
need someone 'proper' to talk to. But who?
But one thing that strikes me is, i didnt realise that i
even have the chance to apply to Oxbridge. It's like, if no one ever told me
about my capabilities, i probably will just go with the flow, for example
applying to local universities. Things would've been very different by then. I
didnt even dare to think to apply to any top universities before this. I think,
sometimes, i just need someone to shed some light on me, reassuring me that
everything's gonna be alright, telling me that i can actually achieve further
than i thought.
I told her that i feel really grateful that i have teachers
like them to have noticed me, and she said "put it this way, it's hard not
to notice you" and started telling me about my target grades in the
beginning of the year. hahaha. My target grade was D-E for every subject xD i
was shocked as well, not that i thought im gonna do well. I thought at least i
was capable of gaining C grades in all my exams. And she told me that Mr Iqbal
and her noticed my work (first assessment) in September (right at the beginning
of AS year) and "no no no no no". I still remember what Mr Iqbal told
me when he marked my first assessment actually. But what surprises me is that
Ms still remembered what happened in the beginning of the year. I feel touched,
really. And she told me that lacking confidence is one of the main problems in
me, but it somehow is also a good thing, because that shows that im not
arrogant about my results and stuff. this was the exact same thing that my
friends told me. but idk how ppl can be arrogant tho. like, how? haha.maybe, i
should start self-reflecting and see what's really in me. but im scared that i
might start losing myself too. i dont wanna give ppl the impression that im being conceited and thinking too highly of myself just because i did well in my exams. But then again, i should stop thinking about what others think.
I can see that Ms was trying to tell me that she wants me to think about it because she thinks i can do it, but didnt wanna be too sure of it. I sometimes wonder, are they doing this is somehow because of the school? It's mixed feeling man. But she did tell me that (shhh) make sure i am the one who choose whether i wanna apply or not. Dont do it just because someone says i can do it. I'll have serious thought about it :)
And then after the chat i was suddenly quite motivated. haha. it was a good day in school actually. we went there dressed in casual clothes. SO COMFY! i wore my SAB prefect shirt :') it's really really comfy. haha. felt so relaxed. And we were just doing our application for universities (im doing this just to practice). and then we were allowed to go home at 1.30!!! SO NICE OF MY TEACHER TO LET US GO HOME. hehe. i went to the town with my friends, and i just thought of going into this Citizen Advice Bureau to ask for volunteering opportunities (i had to apply online or phone the manager sigh), and it struck me to visit the solicitor firms just a stone's throw away from the CAB. so i went to both firms; one needs me to write an email with my CV attached, and one needs me to phone the solicitor (SO SCARED!)
the new town was pretty nice, but not many shops are open yet.
I was planning to write my CV or do my school work, but ended up writing my blog. this is such a long post ahaha. please bear with me <3 and after this imma take a shower, watch my drama series, and then start doing my work! this is gonna be a busy weekend and thank God i've finished my psychology homework which is due next Monday! :DDD i have so much work for Summer :( i want to marshall a judge as well, dunno whether that'll work but i'll see :) LOADS OF WORK. i need to finish my 5000-word extended essay for summer as well. Sigh, busy busy busy!
i really hope all these hard work will pay off.
bye!
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